I’m not just a sex expert, I’ve been “happily enough” married for 30 years. That’s no small achievement and I’m happy to wear the merit badge. I also live an “out of the box” life erotically and support others to evolve their own sexuality on their own terms and in their own long term romantic relationships. Recently, someone called me a “Marriage Whisperer.” But we don’t have to whisper.
1. Commit to owning your own sexuality. Have you really thought about what you want erotically in your own life? Do you have it? What has changed for you since you entered your relationship? It’s crucial to do your own homework. I have worked with countless women who have told me that they have never had an orgasm- either alone or with their partner. Believe it or not, learning to access your shifting sexuality is often work best done at first without your partner! Our sexual persona can sometimes get trapped in our relationship dynamics. Separating who you are sexually from how you engage with your partner is often the first crucial step.
2. Practice being sexual. That’s right, flaunt yourself. Wear clothing that makes you feel sexy. Walk like you mean it. Go dancing. Read sexy books. Touch your own body. Change your look.
3. Confront the fact that you might be sexually bored. Honestly, sexual boredom is one of the biggest reasons relationships fail. Perhaps it’s time to take your sexuality with your partner out of the bedroom. And let’s be clear, I’m talking about way more than having sex on the kitchen counter (even though that can be fun!) It may be time for a “SexPloration Vacation”. Have you ever taken a sexuality workshop together? Or planned a private, couples’ sexuality retreat with sexuality experts? Here’s the thing, no one really teaches us how to touch, speak our desires, and play erotically. Most of us learned about sex being quiet and quick. It was about shame, not getting pregnant, or getting caught or catching an STD. Even if your sexuality evolved with more sexual freedom than that – most of us never learn to play erotically. Everyone needs to shake off the sexual cobwebs from our relationships. Trust me, you’re not going to do this by reading a book or simply wishing for something different. You actually need to take action and that could take some courage, time and money. But it’s so worth it.
4. Compliment your partner. When was the last time you told your partner that they did a great job giving you pleasure? Kindness and encouragement go a long way.
5. When was the last time you brought something new to bed? That’s right- I am talking sex toys. Take your partner on a desire tour. Plan a date around inviting something new and sexy into your relationship. There are so many new and exciting sex toys on the market. Grown ups like new toys too; buy one!
6. Get real. When was the last time you and your partner actually talked about your sex life? Do it.
7. It’s only kinky the first time! What about sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner? This tip goes well with tip number 6. And don’t get discouraged if your first “kinky” experiment doesn’t go well. Try again. We need to practice being sexual and trying new things! And consider doing something different that is just for your partner. Maybe you are not “into” being tied up but it doesn’t freak you out and it really turns on your partner. Try it on if your partner is interested and it is “neutral” for you. Sometimes our kinks don’t line up, but they don’t repulse us either. Being able to offer your partner their sexual fantasy can be a great big turn on and can create an opening in your sexual relationship.
8. Let the other person win the fight! You don’t always have to be right. You know the expression: “Do you want to be happy or right?” Sometimes, it’s worth it to let go of being right in favor of being sexy together.