I recently had lunch with four divorced friends. We’ve all been divorced for different lengths of time – 11 years, 7 years, 5 years, and 4 months. The conversation quickly turned to our dating experiences.
The woman who just got divorced told us that she can’t even think about dating this soon after her divorce. We all agreed that she’s wise to take some time to rediscover who she is after so many years in a bad marriage. When she asked the three of us if there are any good men out there, the one who’s divorced five years said, “There are no good men. Online dating sucks!”
My immediate reaction was to defend online dating and men. “There are good men and online dating doesn’t suck. What sucks is your attitude!”
I didn’t actually say that out loud. I didn’t want to offer unsolicited advice. But what I know from experience both as a dating coach and a woman dating after divorce is that online dating really does work. Unfortunately, many people who try online dating don’t do it effectively. It’s not surprising when they say that online dating doesn’t work.
It’s all about effective dating skills and maintaining a positive perspective on online dating (and dating in general). My belief is:
“Change your attitude, change your online dating success.”
Sure, online dating can be very frustrating. You can email 10 men and only get a response from one (or none). You might receive scores of flirts and emails from creepy men. Maybe you go on first date after first date without meeting someone you want to date twice. Or you meet a guy with potential who doesn’t ask you out again.
Online dating is not usually a straight path to love. The algorithm doesn’t look like this:
Sign up for online dating. Find a great guy. Go on your first date, second date, third date, etc. You’ve found the relationship of your dreams!
It looks more like this:
Sign up for online dating. Go on a first date. Go on another date. He’s not the one. Initiate and answer more emails. Wait for responses from quality men. Maintain a positive attitude. Learn from every date. Go on more dates. Meet someone you want to date again. Find the relationship of your dreams.
The most important (and sometimes most difficult) component in the above equation?
MAINTAIN A POSITIVE ATTITUDE
So, you may be wondering how can you keep up a positive attitude when online dating gets you down?
Remember these three magic words: it’s not personal. Don’t take so-called “rejection” personally. For example, if you write to someone online and they don’t write back, don’t jump to the conclusion that a) they’ve rejected you or b) they’re a-holes. There are a plethora of reasons for why men don’t write back.
5 reasons why men don’t write back:
1. He’s not a paid member of a paid site. If you’re on a paid site like Match.com, it’s not always obvious whether a guy is a paid member or just cruising for free. Many people post profiles and browse the paid sites as free members. These members can see you, but they can’t read or respond to emails. It’s not personal if he can’t read or respond to your emails.
2. He is getting 100s of emails a day. A good looking, tall, educated, fun guy is inundated with emails. He may not even be reading all of them. It’s not personal if he’s inundated with emails.
3. Your email wasn’t catchy enough. You’re probably not capturing his attention with your emails. That’s why it’s important to stand out, from the subject line to the email content. There is a bit of an art to writing an irresistible email. I talk about writing emails that get noticed and opened here. Remember, if you’re not writing the most captivating email, he probably won’t respond. It’s not personal if you haven’t captured his attention with the right emails.
4. Your photos weren’t great. Men (and women) are visual creatures. You MUST post your best photos online in order to capture his attention. Your photos should show you in several outfits and different situations. They should tell a story about you and capture your true essence. You don’t need professional photos to do the trick. Get a camera-handy friend to take some new photos and post them right away. The right photos can immediately turn around your online dating success. So if you’re not getting a lot of interest in your profile, it’s probably because your photos aren’t working for you. It’s not personal if your photos don’t best represent you.
5. Your online dating essay is ho-hum. Online dating is your advertisement. Would you buy a product with poorly written copy or bad photos? Why would a man be lured in by a boring essay? Make sure to tell a story in your essay, not a list of adjectives that describe you. Keep it positive and present – no negatives or stories about what you did when you were a teen. If you need some help, you can check out my three online dating essay packages to make it easier for you to stand out online. There is no excuse to NOT have a dynamite essay to increase your online dating success. So, if you’re not having success online, it’s not you, it’s because your essay doesn’t best represent the true you. It’s definitely not personal if your essay doesn’t have pizzaz.
Take charge of your online dating experience and create the most effective profile. Write the most effective emails. And stop taking “rejection” personally. It’s not personal unless you’ve been dating for a while and he dumps you. Once you adapt a positive take-charge attitude towards online dating and the things you CAN control, you’ll soon realize that online dating does work.
There’s so much you can do to improve your success online. I’ve just shared some highlights with you. There’s so much more I cover with my private clients who want to go deeper and find love. If you’re in the Boston area, please check out my upcoming live workshop on online dating. I’m co-leading this information-packed interactive workshop with Peggy and Richard Wolman of Peggy Wolman Matchmaking on September 28th (more info below). We’d love to help you find love online. Remember – it’s never too late to attract the best relationship of your life!
I’m coming to Boston September 28th from 1-5 PM for an Online Dating Workshop! If you’re online but your inbox is empty, or you are too stuck or nervous to even jump in… spend a few hours with me and Peggy and Richard Wolman, dating coaches and matchmakers at Peggy Wolman Matchmaking, and we’ll show you how to use online dating sites to attract smart, active, interesting men who are hoping to meet a woman just like YOU. Join us for a live workshop: Find Love Online: A Workshop Exclusively for Women 50+. This is THE online dating workshop for women who are serious about finding love! Find out more here. But hurry, space is limited to only 25. Early registration ends 9/12. Hope to see you there!
Click here for a copy of Sandy’s FREE report, “The Top Three Mistakes Midlife Daters Make (and how to turn them around to find love now)”.
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