man breasts nipplesI think it’s pretty obvious that God is in favor of symmetry, when it comes to design choices. Oh, he liked to amuse himself with creations like gnarly trees and elephants’ trunks, but look at butterflies. Look at centipedes with the same number of legs on one side as the other. And most of all, look at us: creatures with two eyes, two ears, a couple of arms and legs and, yes, two nipples.

Now, most of the bits and parts composing the human body have a clear function or two. We can safely deduce that women’s breasts and nipples were designed to produce and dispense milk for their young. Mammals have nipples, and female mammals use theirs to nourish their babies. Check.

But what was God thinking when he also gave nipples to males? Every time I lift my dachshund, little Mick Jagger, up onto the bed or couch, I feel the teeny nipple nubs on his soft belly and think, WHY? Is it because He thought they were aesthetically pleasing? I don’t think so. Taken on their own, they’re funny looking little protrusions, don’t you think? So what’s the point of male nipples?

Well, here’s my theory. What if, when God created Adam and Eve and the other mammals, his first inclination was to promote equality between the sexes when it came to child-rearing? He set males and females up to share feeding the babies and for a brief time, everybody was on board.

But after a while, the men began feeling the extra responsibility was unfair. They got together and said, “Hey, why should we have to spend all day running our asses off and taking our lives in our hands chasing mastodons and such for dinner, then go home and be up half the night feeding the babies?” In the meantime, the softer, smaller womenfolk were at home sewing hides into new tunics, experimenting with berry recipes and drawing on the walls (who said cave drawings had to be by men?). They were feeding the babies all day, so it only seemed logical to them that hubby would take over the night shift.

In theory, it should have worked. However, everyone had to agree that it was inconvenient for the men to stop and pump during hunting excursions and it was definitely easier to wrestle with animals when they weren’t lactating. After an exhausting day chasing after supper, they were not inclined to BE supper in the middle of the night.

Eventually the men went on strike. They bound themselves whenever a new kid came along, dried up, and a number of years or centuries down the road, God saw that it did make sense in the long run and he made the alteration permanent. From on high, He proclaimed, “Forever after, let my male children be MILK-LESS.” And thus ended a brief era of shared child feeding.

But, liking symmetry as He does, God decided to leave the nipples. It was a reminder to mankind that both men and women are responsible for raising their children, as well as offering the opportunity to sport the warped fashion statement of nipple rings, regardless of gender.

Far-fetched? Perhaps. But then so is the diorama featured in a Kentucky theme park depicting Native Americans stalking dinosaurs a couple hundred years ago.

And as the Big Guy might say, “Let there be speculation, for I am thy Father and am endlessly entertained by you all.”

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