One of my oldest friends is a movie star.  He was my first real love, and in my late teens and twenties I harbored a notion that we would get married and live happily ever after.  Alas, that was not the case. He went on to celluloid fame and glory, and I get to text him snarky comments about his hairline from the recesses of a darkened movie theatre.

A frequent visitor to the red carpet, he and his co-stars fall under the scrutiny of the Fashion Police on a regular basis.  I watch these shows (mostly to have the satisfaction of seeing someone I know on TV) and consider how stressful it must be to get dressed when you know that a gazillion people will have the highest expectations of your sartorial output.  Then of course I let my mind wander and wonder what it would be like if I was his arm candy for the evening, and what would I choose to wear in the same situation.

Having been given a behind the scenes peek at prepping for a big time awards show, I am both relieved by, and envious of, the fashion and beauty SWAT team that production companies send to make sure that their star lives up to everyone’s expectations.  I assure you that I would take FULL advantage of the trainers, liquid diets, hair and makeup people, not to mention the spa treatments to get you in the proper head-space before slinking into your couture outfit.

So what would I wear?  Taking a page from some outfits of leading ladies, there are certain things I would avoid:

Halle Berry’s dress is gorgeous but it looks like it would be way too much work to pull it off.


No mermaid hems.  Keira Knightly, despite her gorgeous everything, makes me nervous that she is going to tip over if she unwinds from her pose, but the color of her gown is outstanding.


I adore the simplicity of Angelina’s white satin gown but I’d be afraid of spilling something and then spending the night trying to strategically hide the stain.


I would definitely avoid any dress that is going to be a movement hazard – remember Jennifer Lawrence last year…


I wonder if she was over compensating for the simplicity of this dress…


Which is fabulous in its simplicity, but I would be worried that I’d have dress envy when I saw all the fancy gowns go by.

There‘s nothing basic about Beyonce’s black dress, but you have a tendency to blend in with all the tuxedos, and besides, it picks up lint…


Hillary Swank’s backless number is divine, but how are her girls supported and clearly there is no Spanx helping things out…too much work again…


Now that I think about it, I’ll leave the Red Carpet to the professionals and go back to texting from the Cinema Deluxe.  It’s a lot less stressful, and at least I get to eat the popcorn without worrying that it’s going to come back to haunt me.

Editor’s Note: @Betterafter50 will be tweeting during the Oscars…don’t miss our brilliant and witty commentary!  #OscarsBA50

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