Deanna Brann, Ph.D.
Do you love to people watch? I do. I learn so much by watching others talk with their friends and family. I can usually figure out how a person feels about him or herself, how they feel about the people they are talking to and often what is going on with their relationships.
No, I’m not a mind reader, but I do have a trained eye for this sort of thing. Reading a person’s body language, listening to what they say to one another and how they say it, as well as noticing who is talking to whom about what, can give you good information about them and their relationships. And what better place than a wedding shower – when the stakes are high, the stress is high, and everyone’s best or worse behavior starts to seep out behind the masks.
I went to just such a bridal shower a while back. Although I didn’t know the bride and groom well, I did learn a lot about their new family dynamics just by watching the way the bride, her mother, and the groom’s mother interacted.
Here is what I saw:
Before the festivities began everyone was chatting, laughing and mingling with one another. The bride’s mother stood next to her daughter, but was talking to another woman. The bride’s future mother-in-law walked up to her future daughter-in-law and started talking to her. She seemed a bit uncomfortable, which is natural, but I gave her points for trying to engage. As they began chatting, the bride’s mother immediately stopped talking to the woman she had been talking to, turned to her daughter, and without any hesitation interrupted her daughter’s conversation with her future mother-in-law.
It was an awkward moment to say the least. The mother-in-law was startled speechless, the bride shrank right there on the spot, and the bride’s mother was oblivious to all of it. You could tell that the bride, who looked torn, was thinking, What do I do with these two women? She had no clue how to integrate them into her new world and into her new family.
I really felt for her. Just this short exchange showed me that all three women were struggling with where they will fit. Each woman was trying to stake her claim. So how do a bride, her mother, and her mother-in-law create an environment that allows everyone to belong? How do both a mother-in-law and a mother of the bride allow their roles to change from being an active participant in their child’s life to one that is more on the sidelines? Unfortunately, user’s manuals for this situation don’t exist, but I can share a few things to consider that may make the process a little easier for everyone.
The best place to start is for each of these women to look at her expectations for these new relationships. What does she want them to look like? How can she get what she wants but still allow everyone to feel a part of things? This is not an easy task, of course. The bride now has another woman in her life, one that has a long history and a relationship with her new husband. The bride’s mother has another woman of equal footing in her life, as well as a new man with whom she must now share her daughter. The future mother-in-law has two women to contend with—one of equal status in her life, as well as a younger woman who shares, albeit differently, a love for the same man.
A lot of sharing needs to happen, and unfortunately sharing is not always so easy to do. But it can be much easier if you know what key points to focus on right from the start. Here are some tips designed for all three women that will help them begin this journey into their new lives together.
Mothers-in-law:
Accept that your relationship with your son is changing. He’s a man, and he will soon be a husband. Let him go. Graciously accept your new relationship with him.
Your son loves this woman; so learn why he is so crazy about her. Then embrace those things that he loves about her.
Cherish the fact that she, too, loves your son. After all, you want only the best for him, right?
Understand that you did not gain a daughter when your son married his wife. She is a woman in her own right, so allow her to be just that.
Remember that being right is not important—strengthening this new relationship is what counts most.
Recognize that you are not in competition with your son’s wife or her mother. You have a unique role in their lives—trust it.
Daughter-in-law’s Mother:
Accept that your relationship with your daughter is changing. Let her go. Give her space to be the woman she is meant to be.
Understand that your daughter’s relationship with her husband should be her priority. Take a step back and allow that to happen.
Appreciate the role of your son-in-law’s mother—it is often a more difficult one than your own.
Remember that being right is not important—maintaining your relationship with your daughter, but at the expense of no one is what matters most.
Recognize that you are not in competition with your son-in-law’s mother. You have a unique role in their lives—trust it.
Trust your daughter. She can love and care about all of you without that taking anything away from you.
Dr. Brann’s book, Reluctantly Related Revisited: Breaking Free of the Mother-in-Law/Daughter-in-Law Conflict is available on pre-order: Amazon.