He kissed you passionately after date two. He said he had a great time, you’re beautiful, smart, sexy and amazing, and he’ll call you soon. And you wait for that phone call. A week goes by. Cue crickets… You’re left scratching your head. Is it me? Did I say or do something to turn him off? Was I a bad kisser?
You probably don’t want to know why he didn’t call again. Would it make you feel better if you knew he disappeared because he’s not really divorced? How about if you knew he made out with three other women that week and whispered the same sweet nothings in their ears? Sometimes, you just don’t want to know.
It’s important that you don’t take the vanishing man personally. Let go and move on. It often has nothing to do with you. But sometimes it is about you. You may have said or done something on a date that turned off a good guy. I want you to find love. So, here are the top ten reasons why men disappear.
Top 10 Reasons Why Men Suddenly Vanish
- One or two dates do not = a relationship. Just because you felt like you bonded, doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship. It’s only been a few dates. Even if you slept together, it doesn’t mean he wants to be in a relationship with you. It just means he slept with you. If you don’t like that, don’t sleep with a guy until you’re in a committed relationship.
- He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Maybe he thinks if he tells you why he thinks you’re not a good match, you’ll get upset. Most guys would rather say nothing than hurt your feelings and have to deal with your emotions in the aftermath.
- He’s shallow. Maybe he’s looking for someone with a bigger butt, blonder hair, or someone more sexually available. Would you want him to share that with you? Some things are better left unsaid…
- Do you really want to hear “It’s not you. It’s me?” Men are tired of saying it, and you’re sick of hearing it. In today’s world of texting, sexting, and Facebook status updates, communication has become a lost art for many. It’s easier to say nothing than feel like a cliché.
- It’s safer to date women he cares less about. Some men are so scared of commitment; they’d rather date a lower quality woman (i.e. who will sleep with them with no commitment) than someone as awesome as you. You don’t want to date a commitment-phobe, do you?
- He wants to be Mr. Nice guy. If he says nothing about why he left, he might feel like you’ll still see him as a nice guy, even if he made false promises and created the illusion that he was very interested in you.
- You’re boring. Maybe you’re so afraid of saying the wrong thing; you just smile a lot and agree with most things he says. You’re afraid of expressing your opinion. I don’t recommend that you’re so outspoken on your first few dates, you shut him down (see tip #9). But do express yourself. Show him who you are. Read the newspaper, have an opinion, ask good questions, and bring your personality! You don’t get a second chance to make a great first impression.
- You seem unstable to him. Most men don’t want to feel responsible for a woman who seems emotionally unstable. You may have said or done something that gave him that impression. Maybe you were overly reactive about something during dinner? Did you bash your ex? If you are a stable woman, think about what you might have said to give him that impression.
- You brought your work self to your dates. According to Dating Coach, Rachel Greenwald in her best selling book, Have Him at Hello, one of the biggest problems in dating in the 21st century is when women bring their work persona to a date. They take charge, pick the venue, argue that the guy is wrong about many things, and appear to be bossy, not assertive. What works in the office doesn’t work in dating. Leave your work at work, and bring your more feminine nurturing side to the date. I’m not saying you can’t be yourself. Bring your spunky, funny, passionate smart self to dating. Don’t be overbearing. This is the number one reason why men disappear.
- He’s not emotionally available. He is separated for two years and thinks he’s ready to commit to a new relationship. He’s not. Or he is recently widowed and signed up for online dating hoping to fill a hole in his life. He compares every woman to his deceased wife. He’s not ready for a new relationship, but he doesn’t know it yet. It’s not your job to tell him. It’s your job to stay away from emotionally unavailable men. Unless you are looking for a casual fling, I recommend you date men who have been divorced or widowed for at least a year.
Want to avoid the disappearing man?
- Be present and enjoy every date for what it is.
- Don’t project into the future.
- Lower your expectations that every date is going to be the “one.”
- Date a few men at a time until you are ready to choose one for a relationship.
- Don’t sleep with a man until you’re ready.
- Be straightforward in your communication.
- Date men who are emotionally available.
And by the way, the disappearing act is not gender specific. Many women pull the slow fade as well. If you are guilty as charged, I recommend you change your behavior. Follow the golden rule, and “do unto your dates as you would have them do unto you.”
Those are my top 10 reasons for why men disappear after a few dates. Do you have any more to add to the list?
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