Sydney Gelb
Dear Parents,
Thank you for your constant support in everything that we do. We know that our going to college was probably one of the more challenging things you’ve had to deal with in recent years, aside from our teenage selves. We now recognize that hormones are a very real and scary concept, and are happy you now understand why we refuse to produce grandchildren for you.
At this point, we haven’t seen you since Thanksgiving, when we were shoving turkey, mashed potatoes, and stuffing down our gullets. Fit as you may have thought we looked just a few short weeks ago (ha), the emotional wreck that was finals hell week led to a mass consumption of diabetes-inducing sweets, because as our currently unhinged minds will attest, “finals’ calories don’t count.”
That said, we thank you for ever so subtly hinting at the fact that we’ve finally gained the freshman 15.
Although we may not be extremely insightful, we know that our faces couldn’t possibly have changed so much as to make us look “different” from when you last saw us. And yes, we also realize that these shopping trips aren’t solely to spend time together, but to find new clothes that fit our newly rotund figures.
Above all else, you might remember that in college, the closest form of parental supervision that was supplied was RAs — older college students who may or may not enjoy partying as much as the freshman they oversee. In other words, there are negative amounts of supervision. Please keep that in mind the next time you think about calling and/or texting us 17 times when we leave the house for an hour. We know we should be home somewhere between 11 p.m. and 5 a.m. No need to wait up.
Now, we know that in high school we were forced to wake up at 6 A.M. every morning. We realize now how ungodly this was and will never again be able to muster the energy it took to function that early, unless of course we inject caffeine into our veins. That being the case, no, we don’t want pancakes when you knock on our door at 9 in the morning. We appreciate the gesture, but we will eventually begin to resent you for not letting us get in our 12+ hours of beauty rest.
Finally, we come to the questions.
Before you open your mouths, the answers are “fine, great, good, and no.”
Classes are fine, friends are great, roommate’s good, and no, we haven’t found a boyfriend/girlfriend yet so don’t ask. As our parents, we ask you to spare us the irritating pain of being stuck in college-interrogation purgatory. We promise you’ll be the first to know if anything of true significance happens in our lives.
You’d be surprised to find how capable we’ve grown to be in these few short months. Living on our own without you there to hold our hands has taught us more than just how to drink responsibly, but how to thrive in a foreign environment and how to be our own person. Trust us on that. Right now, we’re just glad to be home; try not to ruin that by suffocating us with love.
Love and Other Drugs (just kidding),
Your Real-World Bound Legal Adults