I consider myself to be a confident woman with my co-workers, friends, and family members. When it comes to dating again after my divorce, I am totally freaked out. I become a bumbling idiot! My confidence is so low, I don’t think any man will want to date me. How can I be so self-assured in other areas in my life and such a loser at dating? Is there something wrong with me? Is there a way for me to improve my self-confidence and become a desirable dater?
I love your question, because it’s an issue that so many women struggle with. You’re confident in every part of your life except dating. There’s nothing wrong with. You are not a loser. You just need a few tips to help build your confidence in dating. Self-confidence in the dating arena is something you can easily work on. Because if you don’t bring your best self to your first dates, you will miss many opportunities for a second date with the men you like.
You’re in good company, Rita. Your problem is quite common among women (and men), especially those who have been married for a long time and are dating for the first time in decades. You’re just a little rusty. Here are some confidence building tips so you ace every date.
How to increase confidence in dating
First, let’s talk about your physical appearance.
Like most of the women I coach, if you’re a mom your body has been through labor and delivery. You’re probably not in the same physical shape as when you were dating in your twenties. You may have gained a few pounds. You have a few more wrinkles. And you probably think those things matter to the men you are dating.
Have you looked at the men your age?
I don’t know how old you are, but I’m guessing that you’re dating men in their late forties to mid-sixties, the common age bracket for people dating the second time around. The last time I checked, most guys in that age range have paunches, balding heads, and hair growing from places that hair shouldn’t grow!
The irony of it all is that most of these guys think they are handsome, hot, and a real catch. Just read their profiles on Match.com.
That’s because most guys don’t scrutinize over their appearance like we do. They take a broad glance in the mirror and think, “Hey, stud muffin. You’ve still got it!”
Women, on the other hand, can be brutal about their appearance. They tend to notice and obsess over every bump, line, and wrinkle.
Guess what? Grownup men don’t care if you have cellulite. They don’t want a model-thin waif. They love being with women our age. They think middle-aged women are beautiful. Of course there are middle-aged men who want a much younger hottie. They’re looking for arm candy. They are having a midlife crisis and think a younger woman will make them feel younger. It’s all to feed their egos. It’s not long before they run out of things to say to these pretty young things.
Grownup mature men like grownup mature women.
After my divorce, I used to worry that no one would date me with wrinkles and a body that went through delivering four kids. Not true.The men I’ve dated post-divorce tell me I’m sexy and beautiful. The right guy will tell you the same thing. So if you’re worried about your physical appearance, please be kind to yourself. Love the body you’re in. Exercise, eat well, and take care of yourself. Please don’t obsess over bumps and bulges. Remember that good men are blind to your cellulite and wrinkles. They love you as you are.
Let’s go a little deeper
While it’s important to love your body, it’s even more important to have a confidence mindset. Self-worth is an inside job. Are you living a life you’re proud of? Are you living the life YOU planned, not the one others wanted for you? Are you tolerating toxic people in your life? Clean up any of the areas in your life that are causing you stress or making you unhappy. “Break up” with friends who suck the energy out of you. Stop saying “yes” to the things you want to say “no” to.
What’s your body language saying? Most of what we communicate is non-verbal. A confident woman walks with her head held high. She dresses with dignity. She looks you in the eye when she talks. She smiles.
If you’re on a date with someone you like, show him with your demeanor, your positive conversation, your interest in him, and your body language. Lean towards him. Listen first to understand, not to show off or prove anything. Touch him on the arm. Touch your hair. Flirt!
It may not come naturally at first, and that’s okay.
Just fake it until it becomes second nature. You’ll be surprised at how soon you’ll begin to feel confident. One good date will lead to another, and soon you’ll be in a wonderful relationship.
Get out there and date with dignity and confidence. And the next time you look in the mirror, act like a guy. Give yourself a wink and say, “Hey good lookin’! Where’ve you been all my life?”
Do you yearn for a true deep partnership with a passionate, loving, grown-up man? You might be making a few mistakes that are keeping you from the right guy. Grab a copy of Sandy’s free guide to discover the top 3 mistakes midlife daters make (and how to easily turn them around to find a loving partnership). The guide is yours absolutely FREE by clicking here.
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