nude woman holding roseAging boobs and faces have been getting all the attention for way too long. Why are our graying honey pots kept such a secret?

I surveyed a group of women in their 30s and 40s, and got some real answers as to the Vaginal Experience.

Sure, it starts out all shiny and new. Pink and trim and bouncy. The darn thing even self-cleans once a month, like a responsible little oven should!

Then the pregnancies happen. Chest puppies aren’t the only things that swell up when you’re knocked up. These ladies’ cha chas plumped and purpled, became overly sensitive, and started to look like two slabs of salami hanging from a burned ham.

Birth itself, even the messy ones, made everyone impressed with the power of their panty hamsters. Passing a lumpy human through an itty bitty hidey hole isn’t an easy job, but clearly cooters take this in stride. Bravo, lovely lady parts, bravo!

Once the angels sing and the babies cry and the parents marvel at the miracle of birth, reality sets in: after a hard day’s work, your vertical smile will look more like a frown. Episiotomies and natural tearing are a sad trombone in the delivery room, and one can only hope the nurse who stitches things back together does the job right. Even with a deft hand, stitches in your love canal make you pretty much want to never ever have sex ever again.

Luckily, newborn babies are the best birth control ever, and moms can let their cookie cool off for a while. Encouraging Obstetricians ruin the standoff at the 6-week postpartum appointment, giving the muffin stuffin’ the green light. Many vaginas tend to curl up in fear, but with a bit of bravery (and supplemental lube), it doesn’t take long to get back into the routine of all things push-and-shove.

Most hoohoos are happy with sex post-baby, but exhaustion, co-sleeping, and lack of time take a toll on the frequency. There are also a handful of women who have hormonal changes that stick around. Sahara-like conditions can occur, which is startling at first, for those who never needed to help their little peach to juice up before. But once their heads wrap around the fact that it’s a body change, not a desire change, this is easily remedied in many flavors and slipperinesses.

Sometimes a busted box never fully heals, and instead of dusty drawers, the ladies find themselves in the opposite situation: a single sneeze or giggle will deliver a pee trickle. Kegel crunches and Ben Wa ball lifts can only do so much, so surgery is the only option left. Very few females like to piss on her partner during orgasm, so they’ve begun researching bladder swings and other things that will make them no longer need to depend on Depends. It’s a big decision, but no one who has had the procedure regrets it even for a moment.

The final factor in the state of the wonder down under is simply age. Before a single silver curl can sprout from one’s bikini line, Father Time shows his face between her legs. Bits are hairier, saggier, and looser. They look like heat-stricken flowers, or sometimes even, as one participant stated, a gordita. Gone are the days of plush pink petals tidily tucked into place. Here are the years of graying meat curtains swinging free, perhaps in an attempt to fan a hot flashing coochie.

Sure they may not look the same or feel the same, but more than one woman stressed that how her husband made her feel made up for any aging lady parts. Feeling desired by a long-term partner, and having the kind of knowledge about yourself that only experience can give, can pep up even the most pooped passionfruits. These are the things that bring on The Big O, no matter what is hiding in your granny panties.

Age, use, and body chemistry cause your lady garden to go through many changes during your life. Let’s talk about them more openly, be proud of what vaginas can weather, and learn to recognize that even our front butts can be beautiful at any age.

The Truth About Aging Vaginas was last modified: by

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