We are well into awards season. But shiny awards, red carpets, and glittering parties aside, awards shows often feature a women’s two best assets. One fashion site noted, “The Biggest Accessory for the 2023 Grammys was skin.”

With Oscar night still weeks away, boobs have been front and center in 2023. Selena Gomez got it exactly right at the aptly-named Golden Globes, wearing a black Valentino off-the-shoulder dress with a notch for cleavage. But there’s a new trend, the horizontal rather than vertical cleavage; I call it the Side Boob. In front, the neckline plummets to the belly button. Each side may also be revealed. But, of course, not everybody can or should wear this look.

Heidi Klum defied gravity in a gold and chain number at this year’s Globes. Tefi Pessoa stood out at the Globes in a Tom Ford gown that left little to the imagination had it not been for her Rapunzel hair covering her nipples. Harry Styles bared his tattoo-covered chest in a jumpsuit that could have been an homage to the 1970s Osmond brothers.

This year’s Grammy’s sported some unusual looks, the once spike-metal-bra clad Madonna as Maria von Trapp’s older sister. Boobs popped out like daffodils in springtime, but not from the Material Girl. Maren Morris and Bebe Rexha exposed more than expected in fabulous designer gowns.

Oscar night this year is March 12. The Big Event always brings the mother of all hype. You can’t always depend on a Will Smith moment, but you can always count on the exposure of flesh. Tried and true, most women arrive with their best assets up front and center. Last year comedian and host Amy Schumer wore the Side Boob, and her chest looked like grapefruits in a grocery sack. Schumer is beautiful but needs wires like the Roebling brothers used for the Brooklyn Bridge. And I swear I saw a side nipple on one of the Williams sisters or both. Again, I’m old-fashioned, but if I see some cleavage, I want it sans nipple. Wardrobe malfunction, indeed.

Many stars got it exactly right in the vintage Elizabeth Taylor way. Jezebel proclaimed, “The Real Winner of the 2022 Oscars: Boobs, Big boobs, little boobs, gay boobs, celebrity boobs!!!”
God did not gift me good looks. But when it comes to cleavage, baby, I’m number one; I mean, I’m number 42DD. So name the event, and I’ll be there with a traditional décolleté.

When you got it, flaunt it. Then, make it a massive production when it’s all you have. When I take the girls out for a fancy event, I enjoy the eyes on my boobal region.

In the boobs department, my idol is the aging-gracefully-and-honestly Jamie Lee Curtis, who wore a striking yellow dress with a plunging neckline to the 2021 Golden Globes. If she needed the Jaws of Life to pull it off, this wasn’t apparent to the audience.

My husband shot the photographs at a 1980s wedding where I was a bridesmaid. The girls – and I don’t mean the bridesmaids — were young and perky, still not thirty, and always up for a test drive. The bride chose hot pink gowns for her maids, with a neckline south of Patagonia. Let’s put it this way: I stood out in the crowd. The girls were still poised, proud, happy, and seriously upright. So nice to remember them north of the Equator. My chest featured prominently in the images.

Parade it if you’ve got it. But do it the old-fashioned way as your grandmother did —with wires and pulleys and heavy construction equipment.

Author’s Note: A nod to the great and beautiful Raquel Welch, who died on February 15. She rocked the red carpet, with grace and glamour.

The Side Boob Should Not Replace Old-Fashioned Cleavage was last modified: by

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