patienceKathy’s been dating Larry for three years. Okay, maybe dating is not quite accurate. They occasionally see each other. Very occasionally, as in one date every six months or so with occasional phone calls and emails in between, always initiated by Kathy. I don’t know about you, but most women would have walked away from a guy like Larry after the first month. When a man is interested in a woman, he usually escalates the relationship, from first email to first phone call, to first date, to dating weekly, and on and on until they are in a relationship. So, why did Kathy pursue Larry?

Kathy, a 57 year-old tall, pretty, slim woman, is a survivor of an abusive marriage. Following her divorce, she had a string of bad relationships with men who didn’t value her. Through our coaching, she learned to value herself enough to stop dating men who treated her poorly. When she met Larry, she recognized a man of great character. Finally, a good guy who valued her! Unfortunately, the timing was off for him.

Timing is a crucial component in the success of a relationship. So, while Kathy was ready for a relationship, Larry was overwhelmed with his life. He was having trouble balancing his highly demanding job as a lawyer with caring for his teenaged daughters. He hardly made time for himself. How could he possibly make time for a relationship?

She knew he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but she stayed in contact with him. And every time she reached out, he thanked her. He appreciated her persistence and patience.

Slowly but surely, the relationship began to grow. Larry began to make time for her. They even had two dates in one month! But he still wasn’t calling or emailing much in between.

So Kathy decided to put her cards on the table. She let Larry know that she cared deeply about him and was ready for an exclusive relationship. She was pulling her profile from Match.com. No pressure for him to follow suit.

Kathy did two smart things:

1. She let Larry know her standards and intentions. She told him she was not interested in casual dating and that she wanted to date him exclusively. She waited a long time to do that because of her fear of rejection. I would recommend putting your relationship needs up front, as early as the first or second date (or even the first phone call). Casually ask your date what he is looking for in a relationship. Men are usually pretty clear about how committed they are. If you’re not on the same page, walk away and find someone who is better suited before your heart gets entangled.

2. She didn’t demand or nag. When she told him that she was pulling her online dating profile, she didn’t pressure him to do the same. That’s music to a man’s ears! However, I wouldn’t recommend that a woman pull her profile first. If you’re looking for a long-term monogamous relationship, don’t date a man exclusively until he chooses you. Don’t have sex until he chooses to date only you. That puts you in a much more empowered position. You’ll be valued more. If he wants to have sex with you before you’re exclusive, tell him something like this; “I really like you and am very attracted to you, but I only have sex when I’m in an exclusive relationship. If and when we do become exclusive (no pressure), you’ll be in for a bodice-ripping night of your life! Until then, we can continue to make out…and I’ll continue to see other men.”

Larry did start to date Kathy more regularly. He accompanied her to important life events where he met her kids and parents. He began to call several nights a week. He thanked her for being so patient with him. He told her how much he valued her and missed her when they were apart.

I’m not recommending this extreme level of turtle-paced development in a relationship. What I am advising is the importance of patience throughout the dating and relationship process. Your pace may be very different from the man you’re dating. You may feel ready for commitment before he is. Maybe the timing is just not right for him. If you pressure him, you’ll push him away.

If you meet a quality guy whose timing is off, continue dating other men and live a full and meaningful life. But don’t write him off just yet. Be patient. Continue being a high value woman with clear relationship standards. That hot guy you dated two months ago might not be able to get you out of his mind. When he comes back to woo you as his only love, you’ll be glad you didn’t pressure or nag him.

Please share an experience of when patience paid off for you in dating.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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The Key to Dating Success: Patience was last modified: April 30th, 2014 by Sandy Weiner

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Sandy Weiner

Sandy Weiner is the founder of LastFirstDate.com. She's THE dating coach for women over 40 who want to attract a healthy lasting relationship. Tune in every Tuesday from 2-2:30 Eastern, as Sandy hosts Last First Date Radio http://blogtalkradio.com/lastfirstdate, a show about dating and relationships in midlife.Want to go on your LAST FIRST DATE? Schedule your complimentary 15-minute get acquainted call https://www.timetrade.com/book/VJDY6 to learn how dating coaching can transform your life.

8 Responses

  1. Carol A. Cassara
    Carol Cassara Reply

    I see that many women in our age group are in a big rush–and also many think it’s all about them when a man is slow on the uptake. But often, it’s not that at all. Good post.

    • Sandy Weiner Reply

      Thanks for your comment, Carol. Yes, we often blame ourselves for a man’s slow pace. Or we cut bait and leave before the man has had a chance to trust and form a bond with us. Or we assume that the man is a commitment phobe, emotionally immature, or something else. I’ve probably done all of the above. Patience is key, but also putting your relationship needs up front and behaving as a high value woman. That’s the woman who inspires a good man to be exclusive.

  2. Nona Reply

    The recommendation is to state relationship needs right away – early on, and walk away if that is not a fit for the person your are dating (or considering dating) except that is not what the article is about! You spent 5 paragraphs discussing and praising Kathy’s patience with Larry! The story goes that she gives Larry time before she makes it black and white. That does seem to be the thing to do. I am not advocating staying in relationships where the person treats you poorly. Obviously if one wants to find a happy connection, they should choose wisely. But once good character (or potential) is recognized, patience is the path, because it takes a while for a fit to unfold. I cannot imagine sitting across the Starbucks table at a meet and greet telling the man I want marriage. Or even telling him that on the third date. I don’t want marriage again if its not with someone truly compatible and loving. But if I found that, I would not hesitate to commit, only after taking my time to be sure that what I was seeing was the real deal. So, I’m sorry, I disagree with point #1. Point #2 of no nagging or pressure is a given, if I have to nag or pressure him, then he is not worth the energy Im putting his direction! The beauty of the Kathy/Larry story is that she was careful not to commit too much time or energy as she waited. She kept in touch, and reached out, but little more, until Larry wanted more. It was not her action of taking her profile down, it was her patient steadiness that eventually felt safe to Larry.

    • Dorothy Reply

      I agree with Nona. Perhaps I’m the commitment-phobic one, but if a man tells me at first contact that he’s looking for marriage … I’m outta there. He may be ready to commit, but given that he knows next to nothing about ME — that’s key. I wouldn’t tell any man my “relationship needs” right off the bat, simply because I wouldn’t know what they are WITH THAT PERSON! Getting to know the other person — and he me — isn’t that what dating is all about? Per the example given, Kathy waited a long time to tell Larry her needs — by that time, she knew him and cared for him. That is the right approach in my opinion. Telling this story as an example of how to handle things and then saying, “State your relationship needs right upfront” is contradictory, as that’s not what occurred in here. Knowing your desires and standards upfront and sticking to them, yes. Sharing them … wait awhile. Determine if he’s the right man to share them with.

      • Sandy Weiner Reply

        Dorothy,

        I think we are saying the same basic thing, but in a different way. I don’t advocate that you say, “Hey, I’m looking to get married, so if you’re not, let’s just part ways.” What i AM saying is that you need to know your standards and values and stick with them. If they include a long-term serious relationship, walk away from a guy who’s only looking for a fling. If a guy is emotionally unavailable, don’t close off all your other options while waiting for him to change for you. Don’t date potential. Date what is. Men show who they are very early on. They tell you through their actions and words what their character is and what they want in a relationship. If you are not both on the same page about your relationship needs, walk away and find someone who is. Life is too short to hang around and wait for someone to change into the person you’d like them to be.

        • Dorothy Reply

          Thanks, Sandy. Appreciate the clarification. I agree with you on knowing your standards and values and sticking with them. What really struck me as “moving too fast” was this paragraph from your piece:
          “I would recommend putting your relationship needs up front, as early as the first or second date (or even the first phone call). Casually ask your date what he is looking for in a relationship.”
          I understand what you’re saying about both being on the same page, and you are certainly correct on that. Still, I wait until I get to know somebody before asking that question (which often means I never ask it — they often don’t turn out to be worthwhile to me). But I’m very cautious. I’ll compromise but I won’t settle. 🙂

          • Sandy Weiner

            Dorothy,
            Glad you understand my intention in the article. And I get why you would have misunderstood. I’ll try and be more clear in my next article. It’s good that you’re cautious in dating, but not so cautious as to be too guarded and untrusting. And I agree that you should definitely not settle. Settling is a nuanced subject, maybe the topic of a future article for BA50!

  3. Sandy Weiner Reply

    Nona, thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. When I say relationship needs, I mean if you want a serious relationship and the man you’re dating is playing the field, walk away. I’ve seen couples have long distance relationships for a summer, and then realize that neither person can move because of personal circumstances, and their hearts are broken. Hearts don’t need to be broken over things like that when you state your needs up front. If you know you can’t move, why start an affair with someone who lives across the country? Date in your home town.

    Kathy and Larry proceeded very slowly, but the truth is, she wanted more all along. She recognized his potential and his upstanding character, which is key to a good relationship. Kathy did put in a lot more energy into the relationship than Larry did.And it was actually the act of taking down her profile and stating her relationship needs that got Larry to invest more into the relationship. Yes, he felt safer with her, but he also knew what she wanted and was willing to invest in the relationship.

    It’s important to be patient with someone’s time line as long as it works for both of you. There were times when Kathy had a full blown panic attack because Larry forgot an important life event. She felt unvalued.

    Deep down, love begins with our inner process. I believe to have love, you must first become a woman who knows her true value and understands her core needs and her relationship needs. Then you can recognize the right man for you, and waste less time with the wrong man – and spend more time with the right ones.

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