When you marry your significant other, there should be something written in the vows about inheriting family baggage. Before the ink is dry on the marriage certificate, some in-laws morph into outlaws who rob you of your newlywed bliss.
Like an emotional black hole, these people are notorious for sucking the joy out of every family gathering. Holidays and celebrations bring out their worst side, causing everyone to drink more and spend an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom.
Family dynamics change once the in-laws drop their dysfunctional baggage at your doorstep. Although there are plenty of instances of close relationships between in-laws, more often than not there’s one who loves to stir the pot and share their cup of misery.
You know you have a problem if one of your in-laws falls into any of the following categories:
The Attention Seeker:
Everything in their life is far more stressful (and important) than yours. They work longer hours, have busier schedules and no time to relax. Warning: If you are a stay-at-home-mom, this type of in-law believes you do nothing all day but watch trashy talk shows and eat bonbons in-between naps.
The Drama Queen:
These people thrive on family drama. They’re usually unhappy, insecure, pushy people who enjoy dragging you down their emotional rabbit hole. Grab a chair, because whatever stunt they pull at the next family function is sure to rival any episode of The Real Housewives Of New Jersey.
The Overbearing Matriarch:
This MIL or FIL feels that their precious offspring could have married someone better. Your housekeeping and parenting skills will never measure up to their royal standards. You and your kin will always be considered surfs in their kingdom. Don’t bother polishing any crowns because chances are you’ll never wear one.
These parasitic in-laws are worse than any flu bug that could inhabit your intestines. They suffer from diarrhea of the mouth and love to watch the shit hit the fan when they talk crap about you to vulnerable family members easily manipulated by their crock of dung. Poo Pourri will never be necessary for these people because they’re convinced their shit doesn’t stink.
Like a territorial alley cat, this in-law treats you like an intruder and feels they can best you at anything. They turn everything into a competition, making sure you’re aware they live in a better neighborhood, own a larger home, drive the most expensive vehicle and have perfect children with IQ’s off the charts. They brag about salaries, vacations, new wardrobes, weight loss and their child’s latest report card. While they’re busy reminding you how beautiful and special they are, just remember they’re doing their best to mask the insecurities that fester inside them.
In the old wild west, they used to shoot outlaws. In today’s society, the only ammo you have is patience, understanding and forgiveness.
I vote we step back in time.
***This article originally appeared on In The Powder Room and can also be found in my humor book, WHO STOLE MY SPANDEX?***