This past year, I have seen what has felt like a rising epidemic of “The Angry Vagina”. And I am not talking Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monologues here, although I did read the “The Angry Vagina” before I wrote this blog. I actually thought for a moment that this concept of an angry vagina was new. That I had somehow discovered it in my coaching practice! Silly me. The idea of an angry vagina has been around for a long time. It’s just that I hadn’t noticed it before.
The fact is that I hadn’t thought about this concept of “The Angry Vagina” until I started to meet them, on a regular basis, in my sexuality coaching practice. Sure, there are vaginas that are angry about yeast infections, thinning vaginal walls, latex condoms, and tampons. But I am talking about something very different; women having conversations with their vagina and their vagina communicating to them a sense of rage, anger, disappointment, and sadness.
A big focus of my work is supporting women in listening to their bodies by tuning into and accessing their erotic arousal.
I guide women on a very simple somatic (through the body) “clothing on” exercise where they simply cup their genitals and rock. I have dubbed this “Lotus Life Meditation”. I have done this exercise with almost every woman I have worked with this past year. As the women rock on their hands, many of them can begin to feel the slow building heat of arousal. Sometimes, this is the first time that they have felt their own arousal in a very long time. And for others, it is the first time that they have felt their arousal separate from beginning some other kind of sex act. This simple act opens up a communication pathway between a vagina and its woman.
In this guided meditation, we simply feel, listen, and even question our bodies using the energy flow of arousal. In this soft trance states, the women are asked to tune into their bodies and “ask” their “pussy,” “vagina,” “yoni,” “vulva,” (or whatever word they are comfortable with), how their “lady parts” are feeling. I often hear words like “honey”, “soft”, “happy”, “sexy”, “hot”, “tingling”, “connected”, and “alive”.
But more and more I am hearing these words: “angry”, “rage”, “broken”, “sad”, “pissed off” “disconnected”, “nothing”. And then there are shocked tears. Each woman who expresses these darker emotions are shocked that these words come out of their mouths as they speak the emotions of their angry, hurt, ignored, and disappointed vagina.
I witness tears rolling down faces and stunned eyes as they realize that they have not been listening to their own bodies, and that their vagina has some very real things to say to them. And so we begin a practice of having an internal dialog between a woman and her most sacred parts. Some mental health professionals call this “counseling with our parts”. Where we actively invite a body part to communicate with us. It’s an incredibly healing practice, and often eye opening for the “owner” of the part.
So this is what I learned about angry vaginas from their owners this year:
1. Vaginas want to be held and touched and not just when sex and orgasm is on the menu. They like a good cuddle.
2. Vaginas want their pleasure taken into account and they are tired of being rushed.
3. Vaginas want their “no” to be heard. Vaginas hold stories of sexual trauma for a very long time and need lots of support to heal. They don’t want to be rushed.
4. Vaginas want attention paid to their climate whether it is ovulation, menstruation, peri-menopause, or menopause climate shifts- they want to be cared for and heard when the weather changes.
5. Vaginas want to be told that they are beautiful.
6. Vaginas will shut down and numb out if they are ignored.
7. If Vaginas are ignored long enough they will get furious and can begin to hurt.
8. Vaginas want to be asked.
Vaginas are resilient and they want to feel connected to their woman. Our job as women is to create the time to do just that. It’s simple really. Create a space where you can be quiet. Begin to tune into your body by noticing your breath. Close your eyes and put one hand on your genitals and one hand on your heart. You can rock, or cup and move arousal energy or not. The most important thing is the connection. Try to tune into this incredible space between your legs and ask your vagina a question such as “How are you feeling?” and see what she says.
It can be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.