I blame this post on Richard Nixon. When I was in middle school, we learned that the Nixon administration had created an “enemies list” – a list of political opponents, used for the official purpose of “screwing” Nixon’s personal and political foes- actors, government officials, journalists, academics and other citizens.
In middle school, I could relate; the idea of an enemies list is so middle school. I had a diary full of girls I hated, things I despised, friends who were mean, and boys I loved but never spoke to. I’ve always loved a good list. Who doesn’t? What else can we attribute the popularity of my list articles to? Brilliant writing?
Recently, we have been hearing more about Enemy Lists: Obama’s Enemy List, Hillary’s Enemy List, the Church of Scientology Enemy List, the NRA Enemy List, the Canadian Government Enemy List. And these days, the most talked about Enemy List of all…Chris Christie’s. There is a Facebook app that allows users to identify and share people, places and things as Enemies. Even Harry Potter has an Enemy List.
So Boomers, isn’t it about time we create our own Enemy Lists? For what purpose, I’m not sure yet, but I’ve decided to give it a go. Here’s my enemy list (it’s mostly things, not people- but I supposed that should be applauded; after all, I’m no longer in middle school):
- Gravity. The boobs are sagging, the eyes are drooping, and it hurts like hell when I fall, and it takes an unreasonably long time to recover. Screw Gravity!
- Disney World/Disneyland. I hate this “Happiest Place on Earth” — it’s contrived and fake.
- Glenn Beck. In keeping with #6 below (memory issues), when writing this post I couldn’t remember Glenn Beck’s name. A Google search of “Fat guy on Fox news that everyone hates” did the trick. By the way, Google is at the top of my “Friends” List.
- Justin Bieber, because (allegedly) he eggs his neighbor’s house, and sips something called sizzurp which made me feel bad because I had no idea what it was.
- Sizzurp. Now that I know what it is, I had no choice but to put it on the list.
- My memory. I’m surprised that I even remembered that I needed to write something down—I just forgot what that was. And I don’t even sizzurp.
- Red wine. It pretends to be my friend, with it’s lovely aroma and delicious taste. Then wham, that headache. Red wine would go on a Frenemy list if I had one.
- Young men, for not seeing me any more, except for my son and nephews; they are perfect.
- Three bean salad. Eww.
- The sun. Thanks for the dark spots and wrinkles. Screw you.
- Slow driver enforcers. Those drivers that hang out in the left lane at 55 and refuse to move over. What’s with that? Don’t I have a right to speed?
- Real Housewives– of Orange County, New York City, Atlanta, New Jersey, Beverly Hills and Miami. And any future ones to come.
- Kim Kardashian. Why? Just ask Buzzfeed- there are 21 reasons to hate Kim Kardashian.
- The TV series Scandal. I hate it; the dialogue is awful, and it is totally contrived. And I cannot stop watching it.
- My TV. So large, so beautiful, and so totally non-accessible.
- The people who let their dogs poop on my lawn. My dog died over a year ago. What’s with the dog poop?
- Alpine skiing. It’s cold, there are lines, and it’s outrageously expensive. Why do it?
- Misuse of apostrophes.
- Little kids on airplanes. Especially ones who kick the back of my seat. My patience for kids ended when my own grew up. I suppose it will go off my list again when I have grandchildren.
- “That’s what he/she said” jokes. Could anything be worse?
- The phrase “I beg to differ.” Just differ; you don’t have to beg.
- Keyless cars. It is way too easy to leave the car on while you go to the market. What 50 year old with a keyless car has not done that?
- People who insist on paying the exact amount with the pennies on the bottom of their purse. “Lady, let me give you the dollar and we can all get out of here!”
- Anyone who doesn’t get my sense of humor. Especially those people who make mean comments like, “you don’t deserve to have children” on Huffington Post50 –when I have written something that is supposed to be tongue in cheek.
- Lastly, any woman 50 or older who has not yet subscribed to BA50. Don’t be my enemy. Register here for free.
Yes, I’m shameless.