In my seven years as a dating coach and as a woman dating after divorce, I have been observing men and women’s dating and relationship behaviors. I’ve learned a thing or two about how we sabotage ourselves without even realizing it. I would love to see more people have dating success.

With that in mind, I’d like to offer the men some insight into what you might be doing that’s unknowingly turning women off. Knowledge is power!

The #1 Mistake Men Make That Kills Their Success With Women

I believe that the biggest mistake men make that kills their success with women is to push for sex too soon. And I mean in overt AND covert ways.

If you’re dating online, how many times have you sent a first message that goes something like this: “Hey, sexy”? Did you think women would be flattered? Sorry, but most women find the ‘hey, sexy’ type of first message to be annoying and presumptuous. Also objectifying.

The way to a woman’s heart is not through sex. It’s through connection to her heart. She needs to feel seen by you, cared for as a whole person, not just someone you’re attracted to.

If you want to date a woman who values herself, you’ll want to lead with kindness and connection. This woman will not want to jump into bed with you because you told her that you find her sexy. You haven’t yet reached her heart.

How do you connect with her heart? If you’re dating online, find something in her profile that resonates with you. Are you impressed that she runs marathons? Did the photo of her with her cute puppy make you smile? Tell her.

And if you’re on a date with her, look into her eyes (yes, her eyes), and listen to her—that’s sexy. Comment on the things she’s passionate about. Be kind. Trust me, the more you connect to her heart, the more she’ll be attracted to you.

A guy once messaged me to ask whether I was still sexually active—at my age. (I wrote about it here.) He claimed he needed to know, because he’d been disappointed before. He wanted to save himself from the agony of getting involved with a woman who might be bad in bed. Really??

Don’t get me wrong—sex is important in a relationship. It is the glue that keeps a relationship alive and exciting. I’m definitely not denying the importance of sex. I am saying that timing is everything, and asking about sex, talking about sex, or calling a woman sexy before you meet will not win points with the ladies. It will certainly not endear you to a woman who sees her worth as far more than a sex object.

So, please stop talking about sex, pushing for sex, and focusing on sex before you connect with a woman’s heart and build trust and safety. Believe me, if you build trust first, the sex will be worth the wait!


I’d love to hear from men and women: do you agree or disagree with my theory about bringing up sex too soon in dating? Please comment below.

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