So, the other night I’m watching TV and on comes the most ridiculous commercial for Tampons that I have ever seen in my entire life.
A pretty girl in a two-piece bathing suit, a white one, I might add, does a back flip off a diving board. Suddenly, the camera captures her in a frame, upside down, with her legs tugged into her chest, as a voiceover exclaims, “At a moment like this I’m glad I use Tampax Pearl…”
For God’s sake.
First off, if I were even thinking of my vagina while doing a back dive, I would be thinking more about my safety. Praying that I didn’t hit the side of the pool, or slam the water too hard. I certainly wouldn’t be worrying that something might leak out of my precious cavity.
For that matter, the safety of my most cherished body part has been on my mind most of my life.
And I’m sure I’m not alone.
When we’re little, our parents make a big production about us using our vagina properly. They bring a special seat into the bathroom and “ooh” and “aah” when we finally get the hang of it. They praise us for keeping our budding little flowers clean.
But all too soon (for most parents’ liking) we learn the “real” reason we have a vagina. The amount of pleasure it brings us when in the company of someone special, whether a male, another female, or something related to the Energizer Bunny.
Once we are deflowered, life is never the same.
Cleanliness and safety take on new meanings.
We wax. We shave. We trim. We work hard at keeping ourselves looking lovely and in pristine condition.
We endure our yearly ride in the stirrups to ensure that everything is where it should be. And that all parts are functioning properly.
If need be, we use lubricants and sexual aids, to keep our Pink Canoes smiling and to allow for smooth sailing.
Because let me tell you, there’s nothing more unpleasant than a bad vagina day. It can ruin the best-laid plans.
So, I’d say to that diving girl: watch where you’re heading.
Because if you damage the Man in the Boat, you might as well say “goodbye” to riding the waves of sexual pleasure.
Read more from Janie Emaus at her blog