Have you ever dated a slick, sweet-talking, charismatic man, only to learn that he was a liar and a player? You might have what I like to call âtoxic bad boy syndromeâ or TBBS for short. Yes, I made up that disease, but the problem is prevalent.
The toxic bad boy is charming. He is usually quite impressive. He often has a ârags to richesâ story and is a rising star in his field. He sets his mind to succeed and succeed he does. It can be very confusing. If he were all evil, we wouldnât be charmed by his words and his sexual charms. We wouldnât be impressed by his accomplishments.
How to Stop Dating the TBBs and Start Dating The GGs (Good Guys)Â
1. Focus on his actions, not his words. When dating a toxic bad boy, itâs easy to be pulled in by the charm and the larger than life energy. So easy, that his character is often ignored. Observe his actions rather than his charming words. A personâs character is key when youâre looking to build a successful long-term relationship with a healthy guy. So, make sure his words and actions are aligned.
2. Eyes wide open, legs firmly shut. I coined that phrase because it sums up my dating mantra. Ladies, open those eyes and see who he is. No wishful thinking. Pay attention from the very first conversation. Listen to your intuition and don’t shove any red flags under the rug.
And if you want to be respected and cherished, donât give up the âcookieâ before you trust him and youâre in an exclusive relationship. Women bond through sex. We release the hormone oxytocin, which is the same hormone released during breastfeeding. Men generally donât bond in the same way. They have sex because their âlittle headâ guides them. They can compartmentalize and walk away without calling you the next day.
Iâve had clients who thought they could sleep with a man and not get emotionally involved. âKayâ met âJackâ on Match.com. She was very attracted to his intellect, humor, charm, and his sexy foreign accent. He was eclectic, a professor at a prestigious university. On their second date, she invited him over for a lavish home-cooked meal, including many dishes from his country. She attended to every detail, from the romantic music in the background, candles burning, and gorgeously set table.
She emailed me the following morning. âIâm in heaven, Sandy. I had a night of pure bliss. Jack stayed over, and I the sex was tender and luscious. I am really falling for him.â
Uh oh! I wrote back, âIâm glad youâre so happy, Kay, but I am concerned that you slept with him and cooked such an incredible meal for him on your second date. I coached you to learn to receive from a man and to take your time getting to know him. You’re giving so much so early in the relationship.â A few hours later, she wrote back, âIâm getting anxious. I havenât heard from him all day.â You guessed it, Jack never saw Kay again. Mr. charming and sexy slept with Kay and dumped her the next day.
So, hold off on giving up the prize, because YOU are a prize. Believe in your inherent value. If heâs worthy and youâve built a relationship of mutual trust, admiration and respect, you can choose to share all of yourself with him. If not, you can walk away with your pride and heart intact.
Avoid the toxic bad boys out there. They’ll literally charm the pants off of you if you’re not careful. Follow my two key guidelines, and youâll be on your way to a healthy, wonderful man with whom youâll want to build a long-term relationship.
Have you ever dated a toxic bad boy? Share your stories with me. I want to hear what you have to say.
If you want to find love this year, thereâs nothing like group coaching to keep you accountable and give you dating tools that work. The Last First Date Inner Circle is a warm group of lovely women. We have two monthly topic-based Q & A calls about dating over 40, and a private forum for women to connect and share their experiences. All calls are recorded and transcribed, and you get a free chapter a month of my upcoming book. This month, weâre talking about the art of flirting with flair. Check it out here.
For a copy of my FREE report, âThe Top Three Mistakes Midlife Daters Make (and how to turn them around to find love now)â please click here.
âLikeâ my Facebook page for exciting posts on dating and relationships & links to my weekly radio show.