Spending Sprees

I will readily admit to being two things: an impulsive shopper, and lazy. On-line shopping is both my aphrodisiac and my kryptonite. All those wonderful goodies on display at the mere click of a mouse. No need to get undressed or drive around looking for a parking space. Why leave the house when you can get everything you ever wanted with a high speed internet connection?

I whole heartedly agree with whoever said that retail therapy should be covered by insurance. I’ve solved more personal problems on ShopBop and Zappos than I ever have under the watchful and nurturing eye of my therapist. I understand the soothing feeling that a luscious, buttery leather jacket can provide. I’m sympathetic to the fact that there are certain itches than can only be scratched by a pair of leopard print stiletto heels. At one point in my former life I received a subpoena for a detailed listing of my Amazon.com purchases. I’m right there with you when the “click here to complete your purchase” button flashes its neon hued aura, bringing a moment of warmth and satisfaction on a cold winter night.

But this…

This is what I am having trouble with. I give two resounding thumbs up to lace, tulle, and sequins. And I’ll give three thumbs up when all the elements are included in one fabulous piece. But my question is: WHO SPENDS $23,475 ON A WHITE MINI DRESS? ON-LINE? WITHOUT THE BENEFIT OF MAKING SURE IT FITS AND MAKES YOU FEEL FABULOUS? Yes, you read that correctly: $23,475 (plus tax, but the shipping is free, thank God) for a Givenchy mini dress. Not only am I troubled by the price, but I’m not sure I’d style it with black leather boots…maybe I should ask Garland…

This Hermes Birkin bag popped up on my screen yesterday afternoon. The thing is, it’s USED. As in “Gently Loved (slight signs of wear)”. Granted it is Porosus Crocodile (I Googled it: a porosus (saltwater) crocodile is “… a formidable and opportunistic ambush predator capable of killing almost any animal that enters its territory. Due to their size and distribution, saltwater crocodiles are the most dangerous extant crocodilian to humans.) At $42,000 for a used bag I think the porosus crocodile is more dangerous to the human Amex card than anything this reptile can dish out in a swamp. Frankly, if I’m going to shell out that kind of bank, I want a new bag…one that I get to gently love myself.

Crafted in the 1840s, this Olivia Collings one-of-a-kind bracelet is embellished with 40.00-carats of oval-cut amethyst stones. Each gem is surrounded by a halo of diamonds, lending this bold design a radiant finish. Exquisite. Vintage. Antique actually, given that it’s about 30 years older than the German Empire. This magnificent piece can be yours for a mere $70,000 at Net-A-Porter.com. No need to get out of bed or even pick up the phone. Just click Add To Bag, confirm your CCV number on the back of your credit card and voila, magic appears at your door.

Call me crazy, but at some price point I truly believe you just have to fondle the merchandise.

Bewildered by the amount of money people will spend on-line, I went back to the site offering the Amex eating bag. It’s large on-line consignment site full of pricey designer duds and accessories. This particular bag is available at a 20% discount (what a bargain…) along with an assortment of high end purses and wallets, all of which are listed by the same seller. Here is a sample of her wares: