By the time we hit 50, we’re mature enough to make decisions about how we use our body and if we want to have sex with that sexy guy at the bar—the one in the pink dress shirt who’s smiling at us over his whiskey—why not?
You’re single and you deserve to have a sex life. In my opinion, as a savvy, informed woman you can have sex with anyone you want as long as you’re being careful and he’s of age!
And, if you have a good friend and you’re sexually attracted to each other…again, why not?
In any sexual experience the first thing you need to do is think about safety:
- Do you know him well enough to feel safe? I’m not really advising you to jump into bed with the guy from the bar unless you’re sure he’s legit and a decent guy.
- Sexual safety—HIV and sexually transmitted infections do not discriminate age-wise. You can get a disease from having unprotected sex. Buy some condoms—condoms today are ultra-thin, providing much more sensation for him. If he doesn’t have condoms, provide one. (You’re carrying yours in your purse, right?) If he refuses, put your clothes on and leave. He’s not worth your time. Seriously!
- If you’re new to the dating scene or coming out of a relationship, talk to your doctor about your past sexual activity. Get a baseline test for HIV and STI—then you can share it with your new guy and ask him to do the same. You need to be tested every time you have sex with a new guy unless he’s using condoms.
Having Sex for the First Time All Over Again
If it’s been a while since you’ve had sex or dated, it can feel like that first time again. You might be nervous about how you look naked or how you’ll perform. He’s having the same issues, I promise.
Remember that most men are visual, but they get so turned on that they’re not examining your body-unless he’s a breast man! You don’t need to stress out about a little extra weight or saggy body parts. The average over-50 man is going to have his share of body “issues” as well.
For me, one of the challenges in having sex with a new partner is the “performance” issue. Mine, not his. Like many women my orgasms are clitorally-centered (yes, I made that word up!). He isn’t going to automatically know what rhythm, pressure, or hot spot works for me. I often don’t climax the first time around; it’s fine with me but can make my guy feel inadequate. If I can, I will have a conversation about sex, before we begin to undress.
One reason for not jumping into bed too quickly is that the time together allows you to talk about sex in a leisurely fashion. Then by the time you do decide to have sex you have established more comfort with each other and built up a level of desire that helps smooth out any awkward moments. His or yours.
We’re talking about our sexual issues, but we also need to be prepared for men with sexual dysfunction. I’ve had at least two experiences where I found out about his impotence after we were naked and in the process of trying to make love. A heads up would have been nice (pun unintentional, but delightful). One was a case where we’d rushed along, propelled by passion rather than any sense of developing intimacy. It was momentarily awkward but we recovered to have a long, sensuous afternoon, and evening, in bed. Only to find out later that desire didn’t equal compatibility. Nonetheless, it was fun.
Preparing For a Sexy Night
You know it’s coming, you’ve discussed it and it’s only a matter of time. If tonight’s the night, what do you need to do?
- Decide where you’ll have sex. His place or yours? I’d guess that being in your own home would feel more comfortable for you. Talk about it with him ahead of time.
- What do you need? Condoms, lubrication and whatever else will get you in the mood for a satisfying sexual experience.
- Setting the mood–what do you need? Will you light some candles for a romantic mood and give a softer edge to naked bodies? Are there toys or adaptations (pillow for under hips, etc.) that will make sex more fun and easier for you? If so, have them close at hand.
- You can think about how you’ll progress from sofa to bed and do some planning. Or you can just let it be spontaneous.
The key to having sex with a new guy is to be in your comfort zone. Of course you want to take his needs and wants into consideration, but not to the exclusion of what you need.
And, remember, that sex is lots of fun. But if the moment doesn’t feel right, don’t go there. You can change your mind and you can state what you need. A good (sex) partner wants to please. The selfish man, the one who pushes, cajoles and bargains is more interested in his own sexual needs—you’d be better off spending a romantic evening with your favorite sex toy and a good sexy book.
I know we’ve all had good experiences and some we’d just as soon forget. Want to share?
Next week- Are We Too Old for Sexting? The Sex Expert Says No!
More on the Topic of Sex:
Understanding the Risks of Sexually Transmitted Diseases for Older Adults
The Conversation to Have Before You Get In Bed