teenage sexDear Sex Expert,

I need advice on whether to let my son bring someone home to spend the night. Do I let them have sex in my house? Is there an age when it seems appropriate?

Squeamish in NYC

Dear Squeamish in NYC,

You want to know if you should let your children have sex in your house? Only you can answer that question. Though I can offer you a few thoughts. How do you feel about sex outside of marriage? Is your child having safe and responsible sex? Is this a long-term relationship or one in a string of people your teen/adult child is having sex with? Do you have younger children at home, and if so, do you worry about setting a precedent?

I feel compelled to point out that there are laws dictating the age of consent. If your child or his girlfriend is under age 18, I suggest talking to the other parent to make sure that everyone knows what’s going on. Once a child becomes 18, he or she is an adult and there is a different level of responsibility. There are state laws that govern sex between minors, and adults with minors. And whether you agree or not, they exist and could lead to trouble if one teen or that teen’s parents feel something inappropriate occurred.

The question of whether to allow our children to have sex under our roof acknowledges that our teens or young adults are sexually active. Most teens become sexually active without our knowledge or our permission.  We can only hope and pray that they act responsibly, use protection, and are in a respectful relationship. And while we don’t have any control over the sex lives of our children we can teach them about sexuality and their responsibility just as we instruct them on the responsibilities of driving a car.

If you and your children have talked about sex in the past then it becomes an easier conversation if the topic of sleeping together at home arises. You need to address your own thoughts about sexuality in order to figure out what rules to set for and with your children. If you’re just now thinking about sex and your teens in the same breath this is going to be tough. Do you feel comfortable with sexuality as a natural expression between two young adults?  Is it wrong for young people to want to have sex? It shouldn’t make any difference if your child is a girl or boy but I’m guessing parents have an easier time with a son’s sexuality than with a daughter’s. Presumably your son has indicated he is coming to visit and bringing a friend. Ask him about the relationship. Are they already having sex? How does he feel about her? Are they comfortable sleeping together in your house?

Then share your feelings—be honest. Think about how you feel and why. If you can’t handle the idea of your child having sex in the next room, tell him or her.  Talk to your child about alternative solutions and if necessary, suggest a hotel. Remember it’s your house; you make the rules.

Some parents seem to feel that they have to let their kids do anything they want. You don’t.

I think a parent’s role is to help their children grow up to be healthy and well informed. We tend to avoid the sex topic but it’s one of the most important conversations we can have with our children…particularly if we want and expect them to make wise choices. You can communicate your own personal beliefs as long as you’re open about how you feel—as opposed to being preachy. We do our children a disservice by sticking our heads in the sand or failing to give them the tools they need…which includes support. And, it may be that giving your child permission to bring a partner home for the night is the kind of acceptance he/she needs.

Bringing sexuality out into the open and normalizing it could help your child develop a more trusting relationship when it comes to sex. You lead the way when you set boundaries and engage in conversation about sex. There are no absolutes when it comes to sex; as parents we have to feel our way through this. I could tell you what I think you ought to do but the burden and the right of setting rules for your children is on you.  Follow your instincts on this one.

What do you think about your teens or adult children having sex in your home? Has it happened to you?

Next week: OMG, Mom’s Having Sex! Let’s talk about bringing your boyfriend home when the kids are still living at home.

Interesting articles on teens and sex:

Where and When Teens First have Sex

The Conflict Over Sleeping Arrangements

The Sleep Over Question

Should I Let My Child Have Sex In My House? was last modified: August 7th, 2013 by Walker Thornton

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Walker Thornton
Walker Thornton

Walker Thornton is a 62-year-old author and public speaker on a mission to help older women discover and enhance their sexuality. She specializes in women’s issues: sex, aging, and relationships. Her book, Inviting Desire is written for the older woman seeking to bring more enjoyment into her life. You can find her at www.walkerthornton.com, on Instagram as wjt62, on Twitter: http://twitter.com/WalkerThornton and on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/WalkerJThornton/

24 Responses

  1. Carol A. Cassara
    Carol Cassara Reply

    You bring a common-sense point of view to this very provocative topic, Walker. when I read the headline, I thought I knew my opinion, but your fulsome discussion moved me off my position. One point you raise is being careful to know the law, especially if your kids are minors. This has potential for trouble written all over it. Also, I wouldn’t be running off to the other parent without talking to the kids first–this could be a nightmare scenario for the other kid. Though-provoking!

    • Walker Thornton Reply

      I didn’t have to face this topic when my kids were teens! If the relationship with your child is good and the communication is clear and open you can discuss the ‘other parent’ topic first–I agree that you don’t want to ‘rat them out’.

      My personal opinion? I would have said no all through high school, possibly yes in college or once they were over 18. I have 2 sons and we had very open conversations about sex.

  2. meme Reply

    Well since the topic of this was adult children, there shouldn’t be any worry about minors. If your child is an adult, you shouldn’t even be concerning yourself with who they are having sex with. Some people really need to learn about boundaries and not overstep them. I would be absolutely appalled if my mother felt the need to discuss my sex life with me.

    • Walker Thornton Reply

      Meme,
      The article addresses teens and/or adult children. There was no age specified so the parameters were vague. I think if my child, age to be determined by me, expects to bring a partner home with the expectation of sleeping in the same bed in my house, that I have the right to talk about that with them. I don’t know how old you are so can’t address your last comment about you and your mother.

      Now that my youngest is 28 years old, his sex life is none of my business…we don’t talk about it. But when he was 18 and in my house, we got to talk about it if I felt the need.

      As a mother I will always show concern for my child’s wellbeing…which may include who they’re in relationship with and what that relationship looks like. If it were destructive or otherwise creating issues, I might delicately talk to my son. A parent never really stops being a parent–the good ones understand boundaries and the need for mutual respect.

      • meme Reply

        The subject line of this article in the email newsletter said Adult Children. I assume adult children are anyway over 18.

  3. Beverly Diehl Reply

    How about your child’s friends? Nothing like getting up in the middle of the night for a glass of water and catching two teenagers that aren’t even your own, mid-boink on your couch (so glad I don’t own that couch anymore).

    Reality is, if you work outside the home, OR sleep, there are going to be windows of opportunity for your kids to have sex when you are not home, even if you have indicated you are not comfortable with sexual sleepovers. Best to have ALL the talks – about the age of consent, about condoms, about responsibility, before there is a serious problem.

    • Walker Thornton Reply

      Absolutely. And, I think your experience is a little different from this woman’s question about specifically allowing a child to bring a partner home to spend the night. As you suggest when we talk with our kids about sex we need to be open and cover all the bases.

  4. Sandy Weiner Reply

    I can totally relate to this topic, Walker. When my daughter was in a serious relationship with her boyfriend (who would become her husband), she asked if they could sleep in the same room at my home. They were in their twenties, and I was grateful that she was so open with me. They abstained from ‘sex’ before marriage, but they were not chaste by any means. My feeling on this matter was that if I had them sleep in separate rooms, it would be a charade. I knew what they were doing when they were not with me and they were adults. I was very comfortable having them sleep in the same room. I’m happy to report that they are madly in love with each other after 2 1/2 years of marriage, and I hope they continue to find each other as attractive and alluring as they do today.

    • Walker Thornton Reply

      I totally agree with you on this. I’d have done the same. I think we help our children develop strong relationships by being open and supportive when it comes to sex. They were old enough to understand what was going on, clearly.
      Great example of the pros for sleeping together.

  5. Carolyn Moore Reply

    I am all for well-informed and I definitely work to keep the lines of communication about ssex very open, but no, it’s not happening in my house and that’s quite clear to them. It helps that we’re aware of each other’s perspectives and respect them. Bottom line is though, it’s my house and I don’t want to encounter any adult males I don’t know in it. I certainly am ab advocate for safe sex, but not an advocate for casual liaisons or a big supporter of sex before marriage. (FYI – my girls are 19 and 21) Very thought provoking article, Thornton – as always you provoke a response and much thought to important issues.

    • Walker Thornton Reply

      Your perspective represents the side of a parent acting out of her/his own comfort level and beliefs. You set boundaries for your own house–totally appropriate. I suspect that your ability to communicate this to your children made this easier. Having girls might elicit different responses than having boys? We tend to be more protective of daughters.

      Would be interesting to poll responses based on sex of our children?

      Thanks for sharing. I am glad that the article is getting the responses and deep thought it deserves (the topic, not my writing).

  6. Barbara Shallue Reply

    You brought up a good question concerning younger children in the house and setting a precedent. When I first met my husband’s family, we were already engaged, but it was understood we would sleep in separate rooms when we visited until we were married. My oldest had a longterm girlfriend, but I maintained the same rule until just before their marriage. By then, his younger siblings were in their twenties. Years ago I even required my sister and her boyfriend to sleep in separate rooms because of my young children. Even so, I always had very open, very real dialogue about sex with my kids and they came to me often with nitty-gritty questions.

    • Walker Thornton Reply

      Barbara,
      It’s not like one night apart hurts them right? I believe that children respect parents when we live our beliefs and set boundaries. You seem to have close relationships with your children so clearly it worked! Thanks for sharing your examples.

  7. Julie Phelps Reply

    I had 3 boys and no girls, but no experience with them having sex in my home – at least, not that I am aware of.
    As mentioned, you cannot know what they are up when you are away or asleep.

    However, my boys always came to me instead of their dad(s) when it came to sex questions. I made sure it was as open and comfortable a discussion as could be managed.
    I explained the mechanics and the urges and need for safety.
    I expressed real concern over the possibility of disease and/or pregnancy.
    I flat out said it would be wrong to burden either of their families with an accidental child – but also confirmed I would be supportive of whatever happened. I just wanted them to understand ramificiations – the ripples that would affect both of them as well as their family and child.

    And don’t throw darts at me, but I also purchased condoms for my youngest. He seemed most likely to proceed to engage in a sexual act despite all the warnings.
    I made sure he knew how to use them, and he kept a supply at hand in his room. I know he passed them out to friends, too – hopefully that was a better thing than those same kids getting into some sort of trouble.

    That same son always had friends coming and going and often enough he would bring one to me privately. He would ask a question posed to him by the friend, and leave us alone to discuss it. I was always surprised by the lack of knowledge those boys had at the high school level. Despite conversations with their parents, peers or lessons in class, many were woefully uninformed. The fact that they would talk to me, instead of their own parent, was double-edged. I was relieved they at least were comfortable enough to get the information they needed from me, but always wondered what their parents’ reactions might have been. In the end, I decided to let the chips fall where they may; I felt good about being able to inform them and fill in the gaps of their knowledge. If I was to be attacked for doing what seemed best at the time then I figured I would just have to hold my head high and deal with it.

    Now, if I had daughters instead of boys? I thought about that alot. I never decided if I would allow them to use birth control pills or not. Glad I never had to deal with it. But I have 2 sons who now need to deal with it! …. wonder how that will turn out?

    And of course, I just don’t know how I would have dealt with them having sex in my home. I tend to think, though, that if they were over 18 and I already knew them as such a bonded couple, that I would have been OK with it. But they would have had to be discreet!

    • Walker Thornton Reply

      I also gave my sons condoms and offered many a time. If I had daughters now I would help them get birth control–I’m not sure I would have felt that way 15 years ago?
      What a measure of trust and respect that kids could come to you–and what a missed opportunity for those other parents!
      Thank you, Julie

  8. Bella Reply

    I am European, and I say yes, let your child have sex in your house. They do it anyways, is it better to pretend-deny it ( it ‘s not happening) and let them go to parking lots, parties or other places….rather to be safe at home……I am very forward with my sons and tell them its OK to bring the girl friend home and to use protection at all given time.

  9. Melinda Reply

    I don’t have children, so I feel a little unqualified, here:-) I imagine that I would say ‘no way’ but think you and your commenters make some very good points. It makes me appreciate all the tough, in-the-moment decisions that parents have to make at times and how there is often no clear answer.

    • Walker Thornton Reply

      Hi Melinda,
      Thank you for reading and commenting. I think we don’t know really what we’ll do until faced with the decision. And, you’re right… there are no clear answers to this or most things related to sex, parenting and other personal issues.

  10. Risa Nye
    Risa Reply

    I have a daughter and two sons (all grown up and married now), and had to come to grips with this subject with my daughter first. She met a boy at summer camp who lived three hours away. When he came to visit, we put him in a room far away from hers (they were 15!). After a couple of years of them being together, we had the “can he sleep in my room” discussion. (I was aware of how things were progressing physically with them, and knew this was coming.) There were younger brothers to consider, and so I said no. But finally, I said yes. By then, they were nearly 18 and it seemed silly not to. My husband and I were high school sweethearts and I well remember how we had to sneak around and find “places.” So, rather than have the kids risk getting caught somewhere, my husband and I gave our approval. My older son had a girlfriend in high school, but she never stayed over. After she went away to college, I think she may have stayed over a few times, but he asked us if it was OK first, and since my daughter had paved the way, we said yes. My youngest son invited his college girlfriend to stay with us during a break, and by then, we figured, why not? The older kids paved the way with responsible behavior–and my husband and I had long memories…Luckily, my kids didn’t push our limits with a cast of thousands rotating through the house! I think if you communicate your feelings and keep a level head, things will work out for the best. Absolutely say no if that’s the way you feel, but be open to changing your mind if circumstances change.

    • Walker Thornton Reply

      “I think if you communicate your feelings and keep a level head, things will work out for the best.” Risa, that is absolutely true! As is the need to be flexible and recreate rules as they apply to each child, time and place.

      Thank you for your great examples.

  11. Mary Reply

    I thank my God EVERY day that He gave me the parents that He did, as opposed to the “yes” mentality that most parents have today!!!

    The blurred lines and mixed messages preached by the media and devoured by society have disintegrated all but a scant few threads of common decency, common sense and reasoning that once made other nations (though begrudgingly sometime) hail America as “great.”

    If teens and adult children (most of whom in their late 20’s are still dumb as a bag of rocks) are responsible enough to have sex, they should do so in the privacy of the place where they’re paying the rent – not under my roof!!! And adult children (unless they’re in quarters that are separated from other common areas of the main house) should be self contained enough to spend a night or two without sex or, should find a suitable time and place where they can enjoy intimacy out of the earshot and presence of other siblings and/or their parents.

    I came up old school and I’m raising mine the same way. We were taught to date responsibly (I wish a guy WOULD roll up and blow a horn for my daughter to come outside to get in his car)! He’d better come and knock or ring the doorbell, introduce himself and let me look into his spirit to see if I see anything besides “booty call” there)!!!!! And without my having to ‘warn’ them before they leave my house, they know to be home at a reasonable time: nothing in the streets at 1:00, 2:00 and 3:00am but trouble, loose women and the men who solicit them!!!!

    Religious or not, the Biblical warning against removing “the old landmarks” has extreme value. Property boundaries are registered with the courts to prevent disputes and to give clarity to what and how much, belongs to whom. The old moral “landmarks” were put in place for the same purpose! Yet, we’ll spend our last dime and fight to the physical death over the violation of a piece of property, but go totally lame at the thought of someone trespassing against moral boundaries with our own children in the bedroom down the hall, in our own homes!!! Never in my house! That’s a discussion we’ve never had, because I carry myself in a way that speaks very loudly to what is and what is not acceptable in my presence, or in my home. And children (not only my daughter but the neighborhood children), love me and love being around and with me!!!!

    The dismal rate of successful marriages and the staggering rate of divorce are the microcosm of the what happens when we remove the old landmarks, set by our forebears.

    You may be OK as your children “bang with friends” in your house, but it will never happen in mine as long as there’s breath in my body! If it makes my kid mad she knows what to do….in fact, I’ll help her. I’d even be willing to spring for a deposit and the first months rent on her own place. But laying up like some common woman in my house has never been and will never be an option.

    There’s something pathetic and terrifyingly dangerous about a society who no longer blushes at certain thoughts, words or actions.

    • Walker Thornton Reply

      Well, thank you for articulating your position so clearly. As you can see, the responses reflect the diversity of opinion that speaks to the world we live in today. Thankfully, there is a place for all of us.

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