Sex is essentially a form of communication between two people. There are times when the energy flows between the two of you and everything is just wonderful. His beard isn’t scratchy, the television is turned off and you have been properly seduced in the right way. But, sometimes you find yourself wishing there was something more.
Communicating with your partner can be viewed as a form of foreplay. The key is to tell him or her what you want and give him guidance as to how you want to be satisfied. Even if you’ve been married for 30 years, there are no guarantees that he’s able to read your mind. One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made as a woman is assuming that my partner knew how to please me, how to pick the perfect Christmas present, and what movie I wanted to watch on our anniversary. (It definitely was not Heartbreak Ridge)
It took me quite a few years, a little therapy and a divorce to realize that I could talk about what I wanted in life, in a relationship, and in the bedroom. They all require me to communicate my wishes!
What Do You Want from A Sex Partner?
Have you ever thought about what you want in a sexual relationship? We often know what we want; we’re just afraid or unwilling to ask. We’re afraid we’ll look demanding or we worry that our husband, boyfriend or lover will interpret our wishes to mean we’re dissatisfied with him or her.
I think most men would be thrilled to hear a woman talk about what turns her on. It lets them know you’re thinking about sex and that you want to make the experience better for the both of you.
So, let’s make a list. Then the next time a man—your husband or new boyfriend, asks you if you’d like to try something new in bed or wants to know what turns you on you’ll be able to give him an answer!
You can do this on your own then share it, or the two of you can do it together. If you decide to do this as a joint exercise, do not do it right before you jump into bed. Find a more neutral time where you can share your lists with each other and discuss them without any immediate pressure to perform. Pour some drinks, dim the lights and sit down on the sofa for a nice chat. I’m betting you’ll end up in the bedroom once you’ve communicated your desires to each other.
I would suggest a few ground rules:
- Never start a sentence with, “You don’t …”
- Preface statements with a gentle opener like, ‘It would be fun to try….” Or “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to…”
- No comparisons to former (better) lovers or husbands!
- Be prepared for defensiveness and try not to react negatively
- Start off with a promise to listen and respect each other’s wishes.
- Be prepared, think about what you’ll say if he suggests something you’re not interested in!
The goal of this exercise is to open up communication between you and a partner. It’s about feeling safe and free enough to talk about things that will enrich your sex life. This is the place where you can say, “ I love the way you _____________ but I sometimes need a little more kissing or a little more ______________ .” You’re saying it from a place of love and desire—with the intention to bring pleasure to both of you.
I’ve filled out the list with a few ideas to get you started, though I’m guessing you know exactly what you want to say!
The goal of this exercise is two-part.
1. The first step to a more satisfying sexual relationship with your partner is to your willingness to express your needs and listen to his.
2. You need to think about what works now in your relationship, what you’d like to see change and what you really desire. What kinds of things would please you romantically and sexually? Ask for them.
When couples hold back on speaking out about their wants and needs in a relationship things stagnate. Many over 50 couples are exploring their sexual relationships in the post-children, post-menopause, retirement years. It’s a time of many life changes for women and men. Our sexual needs can get pushed aside when dealing with these changes. You can have some of the best sex of your life—if you’re willing to communicate what you want from each other.
I hope you’ll report back in the next few days and weeks about how you communicate with your sexual partner.
Next week—Books to Get You in The Mood