Somehow we get it in our heads that we need a partner for sex. And while partnered sex can be fabulous and exciting, it never takes away from our need to become an expert in our own eroticism.
I had one of my clients say to me, “If I have to do it for myself, it’s not worth anything.” Oh, contraire! Sex for one is not a lousy second prize. It can be a delicious meal that we get to eat just for ourselves.
It’s also important part of being a woman. For younger women, self pleasuring can help them learn their own bodies in a safe, private and shameless environment. Becoming an expert in our own erotic landscape is an important part of becoming a self sustainable sexual being. This early on self exploration can set up younger women for a lifetime of full on sensual pleasure.
The most successful partnered sex interactions involve people who can understand their own sexual desires and what makes them feel good. If we are comfortable in this knowledge, it is an amazing gift to not only bring to ourselves, but to our partners.
For single women and women after 50, self pleasuring can become a vital means of keep their vaginal health. Without sexual play, vaginal walls become thin and can create an atmosphere of easy tearing and painful intercourse.
And there is lots of research that show that women who self pleasure (masturbate) on a regular basis report an over all better relationship with sex, sexual satisfaction is higher, and they just feel better about everything to do with sex.
So, how do you make self pleasuring a better experience?
1. Set the stage. You are going on a date with yourself. What kind of a date are you? How are you going to show up for yourself? Think about putting on music, sexy clothing if that turns you on, and maybe lighting a candle for yourself.
2. Take a long sexy bath and consider beginning your “foreplay” there. The bath or shower is a very private place if you share your home with others. And, the bath and shower can be a delicious self pleasuring tool. Water can be an incredible tool for arousal and orgasm. Use the hand shower or prop yourself up so that the water stream can hit you in just the right place. Just play in the sensations. You can add in your hands to bring yourself more intensity. Experimenting with water and self touch can make you feel like you are on your own erotic adventure. If you have a hot tub with jets, put your body in just the right place and you can have sensations that you have never felt before. Be curious and playful with yourself! Play with distance and angles of the water stream.
3. Your own hands on your own body may be one of the best sex tools around. Consider not being genital focused to begin with. Use some lovely coconut oil (or lotion of your choice) and give your body some delicious all-over touch. Play with your hair. Touch your breasts. And all of the rest of you. Some women do not have breasts due to cancer. Allow your hands to come to where your breasts were, or over reconstruction. Your fingers have memory of the sensations. Allow the memory to come through.
Touch yourself where it feels good to touch yourself. Move your body. Allow yourself to make sounds. Make touching yourself your own activity. There are no rules. When we are children we train ourselves to be “quiet and quick” when it comes to masturbation. We don’t want to be caught. Well, you are all grown up now. Make noise and take your time.
Try holding your vulva and simply rocking to begin with. Start by using the palm of your hand and apply gentle pressure by gently pushing down. You might also like a deeper pressure. Experiment with what feels good to you. Sometimes it feels good to start slowly and gently awaken your own arousal. Take your time (how many times am I going to say that?) Gently touch or pat your clitoris with one finger. Some people like to use their pointer or middle finger to start. Play with the pressure and the speed. Use lubricant if you feel dry, it will increase your pleasure.
4. Consider bringing in the toys! Self pleasuring toys are available almost everywhere these days and many of the shops that carry them are run by women. If you don’t have such a shop by you, you can order on line from many of them. There are so many different toys to choose from in every price range and style. Experiment! Buy a few and spend time with each one. I tell my clients to go on a date with their toy! Use it all over your body, not just your genitals. If you are not having intercourse in your life on a regular basis, consider bring an “insertable” toy into your self pleasuring practice for pleasure and for vaginal health. Women have an incredible range of pleasure possibilities inside their vagina and pelvis. Explore them!
5. Explore parts of yourself that perhaps you have never explore before like your anus. Anal play can be very sexy and most women don’t go near their anus. You can begin by simple using your hands and give yourself a massage. There are also anal vibrators, beads and anal plugs that you can buy to add to your own self pleasuring experiments.
6. Read yourself sexy! Erotica can be an incredible turn on and can enhance your self pleasuring experience.
Take the time to love and explore yourself. Sex for one is not less. Its a full and delicious meal.