We seem to find a lot to laugh about here at Chez Jones, whether from the mishearing that comes with being a certain age, the inherently male affliction known as refrigerator blindness (which occurs in other locations of the home as well), or the just plain stupid shit that comes out of our mouths at one time or another.
To illustrate, here are some recent exchanges between Hubs and me:
Scene 1: Hubs is driving my car, and we’re about four hours into a five-hour trip home to Maine from New York. It’s an unseasonably cold April day, complete with snow showers and freezing rain. During the drive, he has repeatedly cranked the heat up, then, when it gets too warm, he turns it back down.
Hubs: Are you sure the heat’s blowing on our feet?
Me: Yeah, I set it so the heat’s coming from both the top and bottom vents. See the up-and-down arrows on the dial?
Hubs: You’re sure? Because my feet are freezing.
Me: Mine are too (in fact, I’d removed my boots and was massaging my feet to warm them up). Something must be broken.
Hubs: Well, try setting the control to blow heat from the bottom vents only and see what happens…
Me: (Putting on my readers to peer more closely at the tiny stick figures and arrows that show the various heat and defrost settings) Oops, I see the problem…
Me: It’s set on the upper vents and defrost, which is directly opposite the setting for the upper and lower vents. I couldn’t see the red mark on the dial thingy that indicates which setting it’s on. So no heat’s been blowing on our feet for the past four hours.
We drive the rest of the way home in full-body comfort, although my face burns for a while.
Scene 2: Hubs brings home a supply of cat food from Petco, noting that the brand we usually buy is now available in bigger, more economical cans, and the manufacturer has also changed the label design. The next time I feed the cats, however, they turn up their noses at the food.
Me: Well, it figures; we buy a bunch of food and the cats decide they don’t like it anymore. Petco’s good about taking back unopened stuff, so just return it and get something else.
Hubs: (Calling from Petco) Well, I figured out why the cats didn’t like the new food.
Me: Yeah, why?
Hubs: It’s dog food.
Scene 3: We’re at opposite ends of the kitchen and Hubs is frantically looking for his cell phone.
Hubs: Where the hell is it?
Me: It’s right there on the counter.
Hubs: No it’s not.
Me: Yes it is…I’m looking right at it.
Hubs: Well, I still don’t see it.
Me: So therefore it’s not there? It’s right there, to the left of the humidifier.
Hubs: Oh, now I see it.
Me: You’re welcome.
Scene 4: Hubs and I are enjoying an after-work glass of wine, catching up on each other’s day and watching the evening news. After a story about a protester in police custody who was sucker-punched by a DJT supporter at one of the candidate’s rallies, Hubs gets a bit rant-y.
Hubs: Can you believe the cops let the guy who hit him just walk away???
Me: It is pretty unbelievable.
Hubs: Those cops should have been all over that guy like flies on rice.
Me: You mean like flies on shit…or white on rice?
Hubs: Yeah, that.
It’s bedtime, and I crawl between the sheets first while Hubs is getting undressed.
Me: You want to get on top of me?
Hubs: Well, yeah…sure!
Me: I was talking to the cat.
So what’s it like at your house? Got some scenes from your marriage you’re willing to share?