I wanted mad, passionate, down-and-dirty sex.
Although I’d been a widow for fifteen years, I had been chaste that entire time. Prior to that, when my husband was alive, we had a less-than-stellar sex life. It never occurred to me to experiment with Jerry, either using sex toys or porn, or even different places or ways to have sex. I never thought of sex as playful or fun. I was on a medication which had dulled my sex drive, and I was repressed in the bedroom (due to some disturbing messages I received from my parents about sex).
But now I was 69, many years had passed and I was interested again, not just in a relationship but in a highly erotic connection. In other words, I wanted mad, passionate, down-and-dirty sex. I found myself fantasizing about it a lot.
It was about this time I asked my doctor for a new medication and it made all the difference. During a visit to my urologist’s office, I summoned the courage to mention that orgasms had never come easily to me and did she have any suggestions. Her prescription: a vibrator and some porn. Wow.
I set out to go to an adult store aptly named The Pleasure Chest. I had heart palpitations the whole way over there. I planned get in and get out as quickly as possible before I, God forbid, saw anyone I knew. Upon entering, I was very surprised to find that the store was clean, had an extensive stock of toys, and a very friendly (but not too friendly) staff.
I took my purchases home and tried them out. I began having pleasure twice a day. Beginning right after lunch. After years of believing porn was for deviates, I found I enjoyed it. After all the years of little to no sexual satisfaction, I was becoming a sexual woman again and it was thrilling. And then, two weeks later, the orgasms stopped.
I spoke with my therapist about it. He was so open-minded. When I’d stumble over my thoughts, he’d say, “I’ve heard it all,” and I’d then feel that I could talk freely. I told him I couldn’t afford to keep buying porn DVDs, that’s when he said “there’s free porn online.” I was entering a whole new world.
That night, heart racing, I Googled free porn. There was quite a variety of videotapes to choose from. There was one truly outstanding video that I watched many times. It consisted of a woman, naked, with a man and all she did was talk and touch. In the end, there was a happy man! My new goal in life was to emulate her, use her words to see if I could bring a man to a mind-boggling climax as she had done with this man. Soon I would have my chance.
I had joined a few dating sites and was having sporadic luck meeting people. While I was wishing and hoping to meet the right man, I wanted something to stimulate me right then. I was on a path to sexual freedom, and I wanted to explore that to its fullest.
I confided to my therapist that I was frustrated not meeting anyone. He told me there were free sex chat websites. Sex chat websites? I couldn’t possibly do that. But that night I decided to check it out. I told myself I didn’t have to join or even tell anyone what I was doing.
I took the leap and signed up. I posted a picture. Only the lower half of my face was showing. I was immediately contacted by a man decades younger than me. At first I brushed him off because of his youth but gradually I realized he was old enough for what I was looking for: an online sexual connection. I had noted down exactly what that woman had said in the video I saw and played it out with the young man, using every dirty word she used. I was finally beginning to feel free of all those sexual constraints that I had lived with for a lifetime. At the end, he said he had a powerful orgasm. I was exhilarated! He wanted to meet. I said no, though I admit to fantasizing about it often, so much so that I joined Benaughty.com for exposure to more men. And I lowered my age to 45. I wanted to see if more men would contact me and they did.
I spent a year on these sites, writing down the exchanges, thinking there were probably many women who had similar early experiences. I had found sexual freedom and I wanted to share it with others. And the best part is that sexual freedom spilled over into emotional freedom. I am better able to express and enjoy myself in and out of the bedroom.
I continued to evolve sexually, reading and writing erotic stories and having phone sex with one special man who lives out of state.
I currently have a 40-year old (I know, he could practically be my grandson!) chasing me. I turned him down innumerable times because of our age difference, and then finally agreed to meet with him. We had lunch and spent a few private moments in his car. I have never been kissed like that! I may let him catch me!