cool grandmaI made my octogenarian mother, Roz, famous by writing about her in a blog that was read by over 80,000 people called “My Mother and Her Vibrator” This made her a little nervous. She wondered if her bridge class read sites like Psychology Today and then Jezebel picked up the story about the 81-year-old woman and the vibrator. And there was little I could do other than tell my mother that she was being a sex educator and inspiration to countless others! Mom liked that.

Roz is fabulous — all randy with wrinkles. She comes complete with a no-holds-barred sense of humor and no edit button, which has its pluses and minuses.  Roz is also a writer who is proud to say that her writing has been picked up by The United Federation of Teacher’s annual magazine called Reflections for seven years running.

So, never mind what “Things My Father Said.” Here is what my mother has to say about sex, romance and being an octogenarian. After all, the world already knows about the vibrator!

On Sex, Romance and Being Over 80; Things My Mother Said…..

“Now that I’ve entered my eighties, everybody talks to me like I am an idiot, except my contemporaries, of course. People are always so patronizing. ‘Are you sure you want to buy those pajamas with the low-cut, built-in bra and shorts, Honey?’ I reassured this saleslady by telling her that I live alone and I won’t shock anyone!”

“Men no longer look away because they don’t look in the first place. But that is their loss. At this stage of their life, they need me.”

“There are many assumptions made about you after you reach a certain age. For example, while examining me for a possible infection, my doctor spewed out these words, ‘For sure it’s not from having sex!’ Really?”

“I tell my friends not to be upset if you get moments of sexual desire…. now that we have sexual desire, what are we supposed to do it with? When I was younger, I could tease my husband that he could be replaced with a tennis ball and a big fat pillow. I could be cocky in those days because I was getting my quota. Recently, I confessed to my daughters that I still have sexual desires. I did this only to reassure them that there was still some good stuff left in the body after age 80. They gave me a vibrator. Initially, the vibrator scared me — it’s not like there is a video included in it that I could watch. What if I electrocuted myself? How would I explain a new opening in my body to the gynecologist?”

“My favorite sick joke that I tell about myself concerns my dating after my husband died. I had three five-year relationships. I must have been on the five-year plan. The three men all died. Of course it had to do with the age group I was dating in, but it didn’t quite bode well for a fourth. And so, I took a break from romantic pursuits and went to Florida, where a young man stopped me on my walk within the complex. He had noticed me having fun on the beach and wanted to introduce me to his grandfather, who also lived in the complex. He gave me his card and phone number. I had to leave the next day, so I didn’t call. When I returned the following year, I decided that it was time to dip my toe into the dating pool again and kept the name of the grandfather in my mind. I noticed a group of men sitting in a circle near the pool. I asked if anyone new him. One man spoke up and said that he used to play golf with him. “Good, I play golf!” Another said he used to be in his tennis group. “Good, I play tennis very well! I am glad that he is an active man, because I am being introduced to him!”

As I started to walk away, a third man hurried over and put his arm over my shoulder. “I am very sorry to tell you this, but he passed away only a week ago, but I know somebody you may like to meet.” Without hesitation, I said, ‘No Thanks!’. After 80, it’s hard to get laid. They just don’t stay around.

You know this stuff is getting serious when your ever-loving son-in-law comments, ‘Roz why are you taking such a long-term renewal on that magazine?” I look at him with a face full of confidence.

‘Whatever you’re thinking — don’t count on it!'”

My Octogenarian Mother’s Advice on Sex was last modified: by

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