Your sexuality will change at midlife. What turned you on, may not so much anymore. Your body may change either through aging, accidents or disease. Death and taxes are not the only thing guaranteed as a human being; your sexuality changing is a given.
One day we may wake up and our genitals may respond differently then they used to. They may not get hard when we want them to; or get wet. Our genitals may develop quirky things and get sore in places that never got sore before.
Our relationship with life, such as accidents or illness, may bring scary changes in our anatomy such as the loss of breasts or organs. How we feel about our body erotically may be really challenged, and our sexuality may feel broken or disrupted.
Then what? Is the sex game over? I don’t think so. I don’t buy it. And I really don’t want you to buy the sex is over story either. The first thing that may need to happen is that you may need to grieve the change; whatever that change is. You may need to cry, rant and be furious. You may need to tell the story of your sexual change a lot of times over before you are ready for your sexual evolution. Finding a good sex therapist or sex coach could be very helpful for moving all of that emotional energy.
When you feel like you have moved a lot of the angst out of your body, you will be ready to begin your sexual evolution of finding some new and wonderful ways to express and enjoy the erotic pleasure that is in your body. I promise you that it is still there. You just need some support and practice to uncover it and work with it.
1. Leave behind the story that you are broken. You are not. End of story. You are different and different can open up tons of potential.
2. Go experimenting. I bet you don’t even really know what is out there when it comes to all the different ways that you can have pleasure in your body? Go to sex shops; shop on line; go to various workshops and retreats that focus on sexual pleasure. There are lots of options; all over the world to find professionals who will work with you privately or in group settings to help you uncover and explore the way into your evolving sexual pleasure.
3. Look at smart smut! That’s right. I love “Lady Cheeky: Smut For Smarties”. or The Pleasure Mechanic. Both these sites are run by women, and they are different and both excellent. Check out both of them.
4. Experiment with touch. Buy a massage table and invest in lots of coconut oil and lube. Touch each other for pleasure and attention without being “goal orientated”.
5. Read sexy books that you would not normally read, and see if you can feel any arousal going. What is in the book that is turning you on. Pay attention to your bodies clues. Perhaps some things that might turn you are may have been blocked by shame. Maybe it’s time to open Pandora’s box?
6. Seek out centers in your community that offer sexuality workshops. In Seattle there is there is “The Center for Sex Positive Culture”, in Columbus, Ohio there is “The Space”, in San Francisco there is “The Center for Sex and Culture”, and in Rhode Island there is “The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health”.
And there are many more. Just google it. Sometimes, your local sex store will host authors and sexperts too. Go! See what is happening past your old tired sex stall. You will find lots of people of every age, size, shape, disability, sexual orientation, as well as folks all over the gender spectrum. In other words, you will find other people crawling out of their box to find sexual pleasure in their lives. It’s all going on, The only way to find it is to go explore.
Remember that you are not alone with your ever changing body and sexuality. No matter how your body is changing or how you libido is bouncing all over the place. See yourself as a sexual evolution in process. There is so much pleasure potential in your body, if you will only allow yourself to get out of your old stories. Once you are ready to reclaim your sexuality, you will find yourself on a brand new path to pleasure. Perhaps even, the best pleasure of your life.
And if you are ready to jump in and come to pleasure boot camp — please join us in Barcelona in October at Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women. We have room for two more!