Those of us over the age of 50 remember the struggles we faced in trying to become independent, successful women in our own right. Many of us wanted something more than the good little wife and mother role. We weren’t looking to replicate our mothers’ lives. And we certainly didn’t, and don’t, want to be told that we have to please anyone.
So, for me to tell you it’s a good thing to please your man has a sort of 50’s era feel to it. If someone tells me it’s my job to please a man, my feathers are going to be ruffled. If I tell you how pleasing a man is integral to your own sexual pleasure, well….
I’m not talking about Charity Sex. I’m talking about a sensuous woman who gets excited about pleasing her man sexually. This is not about what a woman “ought” to do. This is not about men being in charge and women being required to do certain things. This is about a connection that is so strong you want to find ways to please and excite him (or her if you’re in a same sex relationship).
A satisfying sexual relationship is built on intimacy, communication and a mutual desire to please each other. In this context, the giving is as important as the receiving.
- You give because you care about this person and want to please him or her.
- You give because you know that he likes to give as well. It becomes a mutually beneficial experience.
- You give because he/she turns you on so much that pleasing them sexually is arousing for you. Your pulse quickens at the thought of touching, tasting and exploring his body. You crave this.
These are the reasons why you want to please him.
What happens if you give and give and give but he doesn’t reciprocate? That’s where the communication part of the relationship comes in. Let’s use oral sex as an example. Some women and (fewer) men are squeamish about oral sex and that can be a roadblock to sharing pleasure. If you’re “doing” him and he’s not reciprocating, you should talk about it. Is it a feminine smell issue? Is he concerned about not knowing what to do? Is it a vestige of some childhood message or faith-based issue?
One of you can still pleasure the other orally as long as you’re both comfortable with the imbalance. Your conversation would cover how you feel about oral sex, its importance, and what you enjoy. We’re not talking about a strict exchange of favors. This is about a desire to do the things that bring pleasure to your lover and, consequently, bring you pleasure as well.
How do you go about intentionally pleasing him?
- Try dressing up for him. If you know what turns him on play to that. Is it that tight red dress? Or the little white lace panties? When I dress up, I am rewarded by his excitement. His eyes compliment me; his increased arousal enhances our sex.
- Know what moves and touches he likes and dislikes. Focus on what you know turns him on. Touch because you want to give him pleasure.
- Offer to make it all about him occasionally. Focus all your attention on pleasing him. Deliberately explore his body. No worrying about pleasing you sexually—you’re engaged in doing what excites him. Maybe it’s a quickie in the kitchen, a blow job while he’s watching television, or a long sensuous session in the bedroom.
There has to be a sense of balance. If the man in your life is demanding, that’s not going to work. If he never seems to take pleasure in focusing on your needs—or doesn’t even bother to figure out what you want—you aren’t going to feel a desire to please him (nor should you).
The goal of pleasing a man is about tapping into your desire. It’s about enhancing and nurturing a strong relationship and bringing you both to a new level of sexual excitement.
Next week: Bring on The Fireworks—Talking About The Big “O”