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sex with an ex, sex with an ex boyfriend, regretting sex, regret in bedSometimes it’s okay (and even hot!) to sleep with an ex. But if the relationship was toxic, you need to walk away and resist every temptation to get between the sheets again. This article originally appeared in YourTango.com and was picked up by Buzzfeed. It went viral the next day. Whether you’re 25 or 55, it’s a very important topic. Please share it with your daughters. And if you’re ever tempted to have sex with an emotionally abusive ex, please read this article again. The heart you save may be your own!

Dear Sandy,

My boyfriend and I dated on and off for the past 3 years. Last year, he dumped me 10 times. Every time we had an argument, he’d leave. He’d come back a few weeks later, apologizing, saying he loved me and didn’t want to lose me.

While on vacation this past summer, he left our hotel room while I was in the shower and flew home. He contacted me 4 months later, and I got back with him for about 6 weeks before he dumped me again by text over a really stupid disagreement.

I love him so much. He told me he wanted to be with me forever. We had plans for our future. Do I forget all about him? Or do I get back together and sleep with him to smooth things over?

Thanks,

Abby

Dear Abby,

Sweetheart, how many times do you need to get rejected before you’re ready to dump that guy to the curb for good? Your ex is unkind, unpredictable, and doesn’t value you. Whatever you do, do not get back together! Do not sleep with him. Do not let him in the door. Do not answer his calls. Un-friend him on Facebook. Stop thinking about all the beautiful things he said and did. Focus on all the awful times when he dumped you and was heartless. Don’t expect him to change. Move on and find someone who cherishes you and treats you well.

When you break up with your ex, your head tells you what you’re supposed to do to protect your heart and move on. You delete, block and ignore him. So why are you so lenient when talk turns to in between the sheets? Do yourself (and your heart!) a favor and just say no to ex sex.

After you’ve taken some time to properly heal without the distraction of sleeping with your ex, and you’re ready to date again, follow this checklist to choose a guy with boyfriend potential.

5 Traits of a Good Boyfriend

 1. His words and actions match. He doesn’t just say lovely things about you to your face. He shows you that he cares by putting you first. He’s thoughtful with his words and actions.

2. He is consistent. He calls when he says he will. He escalates the relationship, from first phone call/text, to first date, to dating weekly, to seeing you several times a week, to being your boyfriend.

3. He is honest and trustworthy. You can rely on him to have your back. He’s got your best interests in mind, can keep secrets, and is a great friend.

4. When the going gets tough, he stays. He doesn’t walk out on you when you argue. He works thing out, even when it’s hard. He admits to being wrong.

5. He takes responsibility for himself. He doesn’t call you names or blame you when things don’t go his way. He takes responsibility for his share of the issues and is open to working on himself and working things out with you.

In a moment of passion, sleeping with an ex may seem like a good idea, but it clouds your judgment and keeps you in the loop of making up and breaking up. Whether you were the dumper or the dumpee, your relationship with your ex ended for a reason — and great sexual chemistry doesn’t negate or nullify that! In fact, rekindling that chemistry can just mess with your head, because although the physical attraction can be great, sex isn’t all you need for a successful or healthy relationship.

You deserve better. Let this guy go and move on. You will find a loving relationship with a good guy, but only after you let go of this toxic dude for good.

xoxo,

Sandy

If you want to find love this year, there’s nothing like group coaching to keep you accountable and give you dating tools that work. The Last First Date Inner Circle is a warm group of lovely women. We have two monthly topic-based Q & A calls about dating over 40, and a private forum for women to connect and share their experiences. All calls are recorded and transcribed, and you get a free chapter a month of my upcoming book. This month, we’re talking about the art of flirting with flair. Check it out here.

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