Sandy Weiner
Did your mother teach you to be a good girl? Mind your manners, don’t make a scene in public, be lady-like, and at all costs, keep the peace! Well, your mother might have messed up your love life. Because being a good girl is not always a good thing. It can be quite destructive when being “good” means consistently compromising your core values and needs to accommodate the guy in your life.
So, while many women were taught to be good and not make waves, they weren’t taught to advocate for their needs in a relationship or how to set clear boundaries. If you’re giving and accommodating endlessly in a relationship where your needs are ignored, it can lead to you becoming an angry victim or a martyr. When you’re smiling to the outside world while inside you’re seething with resentment, that’s the furthest thing from good.
Giving to others is wonderful, but not at the risk of losing yourself. I’ve seen too many women try to be the “good girl” in their relationships with men, and it came at a cost. They ended up staying way too long in toxic relationships where their needs were not met.
So, if being “good” means stuffing emotions, not expressing yourself clearly, or consistently giving in, it’s not really good at all.
From “Good Girl”To Self-Respecting Woman:
- Honor and respect your values. Know your core values. Make a list of the top five values that are most important to you, and then describe each one. For example, if “kindness” is important to you, how is that displayed in your life? Do you volunteer at a soup kitchen? Do you bring casseroles to friends who are recovering from surgery? What is that value to you? Then, make sure you’re fulfilling those values in your daily life and in your relationships with men. No man will fill those needs for you. It’s crucial that you stay true to your values in your own life, and that the man you’re with is in alignment with those values.
- Set clear boundaries. Once you know your values, get clear about what you’re willing to do if someone conflicts with your boundaries. For example, let’s say one of your values is “healthy living,” which translates into a Sunday morning yoga class. Your boyfriend says, “Your yoga class isn’t so important. I think it’s a waste of your time. You should give it up and come to my football game.” Let him know that your class is important to you, and you’d be happy to join his game after class. If he is not okay with that, figure out what your next step is. Do you want to have a discussion about your value around healthy living? You can honor his need for physical fitness, too. Just be sure to advocate for your needs.
The best relationships are comprised of two independent people coming together, each with a strong sense of self, uniting in love to support each other’s dreams and goals.
Be sure to learn what your needs are, honor them, and find someone with a similar level of self-knowledge and self-worth. Your chances for relationship success will be exponentially better.
Have you had “good girl”syndrome in your relationships? If so, how has it affected your life? Please share your comments below.
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