Recently, my co-worker/colleague/cubicle partner, referred to his live-in “friend” as his “significant other”. If not for the picture on his desk I might have assumed the following:
- He is dating Caitlyn Jenner or someone who aligns with LGBTQIA (it just keeps getting longer….)
- He is referring to his rescue cat, Whiskers, or Jewish Mother, Esther; or
3. He has a female or male counterpart, but I dare not ask, as this might be seen as an infringement on his personal life, therefore creating a hostile work environment and leaving me open to a discrimination suit.
If you are single, at the age of 45 plus, and entered the dating world at the same time as your children, you’ve likely struggled with the terminology “Boyfriend or Girlfriend” particularly when your 15 year old makes comments like “uuggh that’s just my Mom’s Booooyfriend .”
I feel like I’m being taunted on the kindergarten playground – “Mommy’s gotta boyfriend, Mommy’s gotta a boyfriend and he is Bald, and he is Bald!”
Sure there are benefits to dating after 50, we’ve got perspective, 50 Shades of Grey is actually a “how to” and we use a landline to communicate. But it’s time to come up with better terminology to differentiate the BA50 crowd from the prepubescent and B-minus-45crowd.
I was offered the following suggestions from my friends with paramours:
- Man friend or Female friend: Really? At age 13, I referred to “my friend” as my period and by the way, it’s an unwanted monthly friend whose time has run out with menopause!
- Steady: Are you f….ing kidding, the reason we are in our 50’s and dating is because no one is steady!
- Better Half: Sort of like you “better half” run a background check on this one before the other half skips town.
- Lover: Your kids and friends don’t want to be reminded that you actually enjoy sex.
- Use their actual name: This one came close, but you still need a descriptor (thank you Mr. Joseph, my 8th grade English teacher)
So I’ve come up with the perfect solution for all 50 some things of any gender when referring to your significant others!
If you are male, dating a male he’s your Liberace.
If you are female, dating a female she’s your DeGeneres.
If you are dating someone who identifies as someone other than who identifies with someone other than they appear to be then it’s your Jenner.
Lastly, if you are male, dating a female, she’s your Aniston and if you are female, dating a male, he’s your Clooney.
So tomorrow kids, me and my Clooney, Wayne are off to the movies, dinner and a night of great sex and I’ll be home before midnight.