Ladies, Please Stop Forwarding My Articles to Your Man
You may be a woman in a very special relationship.
You may be able to send your man any manner of personal growth information and vice-versa. You two fall deeper into love and connection inside an environment safe for gentle prodding and encouragement. You laugh together about your flaws. And you shamelessly admit your foibles and relish in how your spiritual relationship just gets stronger each day.
Yeah…this article isn’t for you.
I wrote this for any wife who wants to actively avoid making your husband feel even worse about your struggling relationship and his inability to be who you want him to be.
This is for the wife who actually wants him to want change for himself – without your help.
Don’t send him random articles with the hidden agenda of fixing him. In that 15 second span of deciding whether or not to hit “Send” – choose not to. I know it’s tempting because some articles say exactly what you’re feeling and describe exactly what you want in words you couldn’t even come up with yourself.
Still. Don’t send them.
Imagine receiving this article in your inbox today, “My Wife Used to Go Down on Me a Lot, and now, Nothing”
No other words. Just a link. Just a hint.
Just a quick tip to help you become a better woman and partner.
Why it Makes Him Feel Inadequate
Actually, it makes him feel more inadequate than he already does.
You’ve already established you’re not happy with his mojo.
You’ve already had arguments, two weeks without talking and told him you think he needs to “man up”, “step up”, “be more available”, or “more present”.
He gets it. You’re not happy. Neither is he.
And the last thing he needs you to be is his mommy, his therapist or his “man coach”.
The most disturbing conversation I ever have is with a man whose first words are, “Ummm…yeah…my wife thinks I should talk to you.”
This is a guy who has come to believe that he should just do as he’s told. He thinks that will keep you happy.
You may even be giving him ultimatums or threats until he does something. Somehow he’s been conditioned to take all his direction from you. He doesn’t need to initiate his own personal work until you give him the nudge and the permission.
And you hate that, don’t you? Of course, you do. Nothing sexy about that whatsoever.
So stop “training” him that way.
He is partly your creation. (and vice-versa, I know)
What to do Instead
Just stopping the onslaught of disappointment and subtle behavior correction is a huge step.
First, it releases massive amounts of pressure and eases his flight (avoidance) response.
Second, it gives him breathing room to think and feel on his own without your help. He will wonder what the hell is going on when the stream of instructions and expectations stop. He may even go through withdrawal and ask you what you need him to do or what you want from him or how can he make you happy.
Don’t bite. You are “un-training” him so he can have the space to take charge without your urging. You cannot falter here or you will ruin everything.
Here are 5 tips for you:
- Love him and accept him for 21 straight days – without fail. Zero arguments. Yeah, 21 days.
- Give him a reputation to live up to. Treat him as a kind, loving, sexy, capable man. Instead of asking him why he forgot to unload the dishwasher, ask him where he thinks you two will be 3 years from now. Ask him about his dreams.
- Tell him your dreams. Just go on about what you love and what you want without making him responsible for getting those for you.
- Tell him how it feels when he holds you tightly and WHY you’re happy he is your man.
- Quietly and happily do your own work. Share with him how you feel about learning to be a better woman and partner. Do it without expectation.
- Make it safe for him to test the waters of easy conversation with you. Listen. Then say, “Tell me more.”
Will this fix everything with him and your marriage?
But you will have become the change you want to see.
It is the only possible way to steer the boat in the direction you want it to go.
And he will love you with all his heart for gently, calmly and deliberately leading him there.
Men usually know they want to change for themselves and for their relationship. Fear of rocking the boat is one thing that holds us back. I wrote this free ebook to help men see a logical approach to taking charge of themselves and creating what they really want.
This post was first published on goodmenproject.com