Donna Highfill
I was staring at the picture of a Golden Retriever puppy as it walked away from the camera. This is one of those viral photos you see on the Internet, proving the theory that we cannot resist cute pictures of puppies. I shared the picture with the tag-line, “Sometimes you gotta walk away.”
After posting it, my friend commented, “If my tush was that cute, I would have no problem with walking away!”
Since hitting 50, I do not volunteer photos of myself moving away from the camera. I guess I’m concerned that the wide angle lens will sound an alarm.
Let’s face it, at our age our asses are fighting the battle of their lives. They are either flatter than they used to be, longer than they used to be, or filled with so many dimples they should be considered adorable. I mean, Shirley Temple was darling with just a couple of dimples.
I’ve realized that to make my rear end look cute again, I’m either going to have to get implants, a butt lift, or develop some pull-on garments to enhance its cuteness. Since I can’t afford the first two options, I’m going to think about some new seat covers that could be pulled up over any pair of pants and make my tush precious.
Maybe my first design will be based upon the cute little bottom of the Golden Retriever puppy. It will be made of faux yellow fur, and include that cute little tail. Can anybody look at the puffy little bottom of a puppy and not say, “Awwwwww? ” I would take that “Awww ” over “Egads” any day.
If I walk past anyone and hear the “Awww …” response, I will give them a wag of my tail and not feel like a porn star, because it will be cute.
And if I go out at night with friends after a day of eating way too much, I will change into my slimming black Labrador selection. This will include the big Labrador tail that could be used to take out the woman who tries to beat me to the restaurant door or get the table that I have my eye on.
To dress things up, maybe I’ll create some colorful dingleberries to accessorize my seat covers, based upon the cute little things that puppies often have hanging off their bottoms. They could match my shoes and swing when I walk.
For the days when menopause turns me into something less than cute, maybe I’ll put on the
Godzilla seat cover that will be made of a green, shiny material. Of course, it will include a long, spiky tail. It will also include a roaring sound which can be activated when other people piss me off. In addition, it could be activated in a timely fashion to cover up any other sounds that might be emanating from that general area.
Maybe keeping our asses cute won’t require four hundred squats a day, or wearing modern-day girdles that simply push the fat into other areas and cut off our breathing. Pull on one of my seat covers, and the world will ask you to walk away from the camera as often as possible.
And you’ll get to wag your tail with pride.