9fe63bd0b5c8a1416210bbce3542407e_hThere are many men out there, and women, who think of themselves as good lovers. Sadly, some of them are very mistaken. You know the ones; you’ve been with them. I have too.

I have a theory that you can predict a person’s lovemaking ability by how they kiss. It has proven to be an accurate predictor in some of my dating escapades. But kissing ability is just one part of the equation.

So what makes us a good lover? Or, what is it that makes us a not-so-good lover?

  1. Attitude: The minute we content ourselves with thinking we’re good lovers, with no need for improvement, we’ve just committed the first error. Cocky guys (pun intended) think they know how to make love to a woman but often fail to pay any attention to her needs. I met a guy like that once. He had a routine—a seduction that he bragged always worked. One of the problems with that was his routine was just that, a routine. He just followed his game plan without responding or connecting to his partners.  A good lover is open to doing whatever it takes to meet his or her partner’s needs.
  2. The Balance of Giving and Receiving: A good lover is as interested in giving pleasure as receiving. Are you the woman who demands oral sex but doesn’t do BJs? Does your partner just go right to intercourse without thinking about how you like to be pleasured? Does he take time to make sure you’ve had an orgasm? Great sex is reciprocal—giving pleasure becomes part of the act.
  3. Charity Sex: You act like sex is a chore.  You are reluctant to join in the pleasure and basically check out during the whole thing. Why bother? You’re not really fooling your partner and neither of you is getting much joy out of the sexual encounter.
  4. Physically Present, Mentally Absent: We have our best sex when we’re giving our full attention to our bodies and our partner. If we’re thinking about laundry, wondering if we checked email, or otherwise engaged, mentally, then we’re not being a very good lover. When you have sex with your partner, give it your all. Clear your mind and focus on what’s happening with your bodies—you’ll be a much better lover.
  5. Fear, Reluctance, Shame: When we hold back from asking questions, giving suggestions and expressing our sexuality we’re not being good lovers. Let’s assume you’re with a partner you trust. So why aren’t you able to express to him/her what you want and need? This expression of love and desire is a beautiful and natural thing—we should embrace our sexuality and have fun. That means speaking up for what you need in order to have a satisfying experience.

Being a good lover is not required for sex, but it should be. Our sexual expression is one of our most joyous ways of connecting with a loved one and we owe it to each other to be fully present. So the next time you get ready to have sex, get your mind in the game  before you take off the first item of clothing. Think about all the reasons you want to have sex, think about the pleasure you take in your partner’s body. And let yourself go. Enjoy the moment, feel the richness of each touch and communicate that to your partner, with your fingers, your lips, and your whole body. That’s what makes a good lover in a good and romantic getaway.

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