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Drunk Dog

Or….Me, Matt, the Cat and the Watermelon

One hot summer afternoon I came home to find my son’s friend, Matt, sitting on our front porch. I invited him in so he didn’t melt in the heat. Justin would be home shortly. I offered him a glass of iced tea. Like a good hostess, I added fresh lemon and a sprig of something green to impress him.

Mrs. B, he asked, “Do you mind if I have a piece of that watermelon in the fridge?”

“Sure, Matt. I’ll cut you a piece. I think there must have been a bad spot because someone cut a piece off the top.” I got the knife and cut Matt a big slice. It looked so refreshing. He suggested I have one too. In fact, he cut it for me. I was going to call his mom and tell her what a nice young man she’d raised.

We sat and slurped down this delicious watermelon. We both agreed it was the sweetest we’ve EVER had. Matt suggested we have another piece while he waited for Justin. I agreed.  I was starting to chill from a hectic day and this watermelon was just what I needed to unwind. Matt offered to get up and cut it for me. What a nice kid! I was feeling sentimental that college was starting in a few months and I wouldn’t see him and the other kids for a while.

I told Matt he would be a great waiter for a summer job. “Thanks, Mrs. B and you don’t have to leave me a tip.” he chuckled.

Our cat, appropriately named Kitty, started to scratch at my legs for a treat. I gave her a small piece of the melon. She rolled over and played with it like catnip.  

By now, Matt and I were discussing life. “How’s your girlfriend?”

“Did you hear what happened to Jill? She cheated on Marty.”

“Oh No! That tramp!” I yelled. I wasn’t sure where that came from because I actually like Jill.

“I’m not sure she’s a tramp, Mrs. B,” Matt defended her. “Oh! You are so naïve, Matt!”

“Matt, sometimes pretty girls can be tramps. It’s deceiving because you expect tramps to have a cigarette hanging out of their mouth and their hair all teased up.”

I told Matt he was very naïve again. I think I said it three more times. I liked the way it rolled off my tongue.

“Matt, let’s have one more piece of melon before Justin gets home. Give Kitty that little piece on your plate. She loves this stuff!”

Half an hour later, Justin arrived home. Matt, the cat and I had eaten half of the watermelon.

“Hey Justin, want some watermelon before your mom eats it all?” Matt asked

“Hey! I yelled. Lighten up! It’s a fruit! It’s healthy! It’s a bleeping fruit! (hiccup).”

Justin gave Matt a dirty look and said, “You know what’s in the melon right?”

I said, “Of course, seeds…we’re spitting them out.” I spit one his way.

I suggested Justin help us finish off this incredibly refreshing and delicious melon quickly because I was feeling very sleepy. Kitty was too. She fell asleep sitting up at my feet.

When my daughters arrived home they were angry that the watermelon was almost gone. Since when did my kids like fruit so much? “Who ate the watermelon?” they demanded.

I grinned and announced that “Me, Matt and the cat did.” I grinned at them and hiccuped. “It was delishioushhh.  Have shome…it’s verrrrry nutrishish for you. Watch for the sheeds. Justin says they’re in there.”

“Ooops here comes one now!” I spit one in their direction and laughed uncontrollably. I was having so much fun chilling with my kids, Matt and the cat.

My husband, Scott, arrived home to find me and the cat sound asleep on the couch.

“Have you been drinking?” he asked. He stared at me as I tried to upright myself.

“No! I had watermelon with Matt and the cat. Don’t be shilly!”

Justin and Matt arrived to confess that the watermelon was the cause of my exhaustion. Matt took the blame. That’s when I learned that the hole in the watermelon was not a bad spot. It was a hole to pour vodka into in my refreshing, delicious watermelon. Kitty hiccupped.

Now who’s naïve?

How I Got Drunk With My Son’s Friend was last modified: by

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