How do I Find a Good Guy After a Marriage of Verbal Abuse?

Dear Sandy,

I’ve been divorced from Mr. Wrong for four years. I was verbally abused in my marriage and want to do better this time around. I’ve done some healing with a therapist and am now ready to find my Mr. Right. I’m only interested in dating men who are serious and commitment-minded, not players or those who are just looking for a fling. How do I quickly screen out the wrong men without being too judgmental and possibly overlooking the right ones? And how do I stop obsessing on whether he’s the “one” on every date?

Thank you,

Janet

Dear Janet,

So sorry to hear about the verbal abuse you experienced during your marriage. Many of my clients have suffered from abuse in some form. It can be challenging to rebuild your self-esteem and learn to trust men. So, I’m glad to hear you’re dating and ready to find your Mr. Right.

Here’s the rub. If you are obsessed with finding the “one”, you will bring a sense of anxiety and suspicion with you on every date. You’ll have a wall up, as you evaluate each man and see if he’s worthy of being the “one” for you. That could turn off a man who might be your best match. Men don’t like feeling like they’re being interrogated or judged. This is one of the most common complaints from men. They want to be accepted for who they are, not tested to see if they meet your requirements.

When you have spent years with a man who treated you poorly, it can lead you to distrust any man you date. That’s why it’s so important to do the inner work before dating again. The first step in my dating coaching process is to help women rebuild their sense of self, to fall in love with themselves before seeking a partner. If you don’t honor yourself and appreciate your value, you won’t be able to attract the quality man you desire.

If you carry the hurt of your past to every date, you’ll end up turning off the very men you’re trying to attract.

Once you heal from your past pain, you can let go of the distrust you feel for the men you’re meeting. When you know your boundaries and recognize how you want to be treated in your relationships, you won’t be as demanding and judgmental of the men you meet. You won’t be as suspicious that they are probably all players, looking for a booty call and not a relationship. You’ll be able to let down your wall of defenses. Because there truly are plenty of wonderful men out there who are looking for a life partner with a high value woman.

How do I find a good guy?

Most of all, he should be someone with great character. Pay attention to how his words and action line up. Tune out the sweet talk, turn up the sweet actions. Tune into how you feel when you’re with him. Do you feel safe? Understood? Heard? Valued?

That’s the guy who’s a candidate for Mr. Right. That’s the guy who is worth sharing your heart and soul. He’s the one with whom you want to slowly build a relationship.

But don’t date until you’re truly healed from your past wounds. Otherwise, you’ll bring that suspicious negative energy to each date, and you might just scare away or turn off a potential Mr. Right.

How to Heal From Mr. Wrong

1. Begin your healing process with learning to let go of the past. Each time you have a negative thought about men, ask yourself where this belief came from. Where did it start? Example: “I believe that men cheat.” This belief came from my father cheating on my mother, my husband cheating on me, and my last boyfriend doing the same thing.”
2. Then ask yourself if it’s really true. Without a doubt, is this belief 100% true? Is it possible that it’s not true of all men? Perhaps this has been true of only a few men. Example: “No, I don’t know this to be 100% true of all men. I know several women who are happily married to men who have never cheated.”
3. Next, create a new story, a new belief about men. Turn around that negative statement into a positive one. Example: “Men don’t normally cheat. Only unfaithful men cheat. Men with good character don’t cheat. I’ll look for signs of a man with good character in the future.”
4. Repeat that as your mantra every day for a week.

You should begin to attract positive energy all around you. You’ll soon see men in a very different light. And before you know it, you’ll attract that fabulous man you deserve.

* Have you ever been a victim of verbal abuse? Been devalued in your relationships? Healed after bad relationships and finally found a great man? Please share your comments below. Thank you.

Tired of feeling devalued by the men you date? You might be making these 3 common mistakes. Click here to find out how to attract the love you deserve.

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Sandy (with two other fabulous dating coaches) will be here to help YOU find the perfect guy for you at BA50’s “Better Dating After 50” Event in Boston on December 7.  To find out more, click here!

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