Every year I make New Years Resolutions and every year I break them. So this year, I’m trying something different — resolutions for OTHER people. Hey world — here are the changes I’d like to see YOU make in 2017:
Cell phone owners: No more blathering on your cell in public. This includes public restrooms. I consider the time I spend sitting on the toilet to be both private and sacred. I don’t want to hear about your boyfriend, your PMS or your stock portfolio.
Chronic Interrupters: Just let me finish my sentence! The only time it’s okay to interrupt me is for “There’s a Zombie coming this way” or “Watch out for that tsunami!”
Do you smoke in NO SMOKING zones? Butt out. It’s fine with me if you want to kill yourself, but don’t take me with you.
People Who Are Chronically Late. Excuse me, but my time is just as valuable as yours. Stop wasting it.
Mucous Troupers! Stop coming to work sick. We’d rather get the job done without your coughing and sneezing all over us.
Are you one of those people who continuously phones and texts and tweets and posts when I’m trying to spend some quality time with you? Maybe 2017 can be the year you pocket the smart phone and get back in touch with reality.
People Who Mistreat Animals. If you don’t change your ways, there’s a special level of hell reserved for folks like you, and you can’t get there soon enough for me.
Donald Trump? Make America great again. Impeach yourself.
People Who Groom Themselves In Public. This has to stop. As I once heard an Amtrak conductor inform a passenger, “You can’t clip your toenails in the café car.”
Are you a Jerk Behind The Wheel? Make 2017 the year you learn to drive. This includes people who don’t use turn signals, slowpokes in the passing lane, and folks who zip through stop signs in residential neighborhoods. (And don’t even think about tailgating me.)
Gun Nuts! After all the firearm-related deaths that took place in 2016, can we finally agree that guns DO kill people?
People Who Share Too Much. You hate your mother-in-law. I get it. But I’m not your best friend or your confidant. I just happen to be standing beside you in the check out line. I really don’t need to know all about it.
People Who Spread Fake News Online. When you hear that the local chapter of B’nai Brith is hosting a KKK rally, do a little fact checking before posting it to your Facebook page with the heading “Why On Earth Would They Do This?”
I don’t want to ever hear, read or even think the word “Kardashian” again. Anywhere. Ever. Got that?
Magazines: Stop running articles about people losing or gaining weight. This world is going to hell in a hand basket and the last thing that matters is how plump or lean we are on that particular journey.
Library patrons who try to weasel out of paying their fines: Open your wallet with a smile and pay up. Public libraries are a gift and a treasure, and they desperately need funding. Thank you.
And finally — men? Can we make 2017 the year the toilet seat finally stays down? Thank you.
BEST WISHES FOR A HAPPY AND HEALTHY 2017