Ah, summer. Time to switch from Merlot and Malbec to those frivolous, fizzy cocktails with ridiculous names just in time for the Democratic National Convention. Surely, bartenders around the city are already working on drinks that capture the mood of the 2016 Election. For those who haven’t yet conjured up a Happy Hour recipe worthy of the event, here are some suggestions.
Hurricane Hillary – Don’t let the cherry on top fool you. This high octane combo of emails, wandering spouse and Lexapro goes down easy but kicks like a mule. Free to female voters in pantsuits.
My Bad Bernie – This blustery concoction of Brooklyn, Maalox and Socialism is popular with the under-30 set, but apt to make Boomers nauseous. Best if served with a side of gun control.
Bodacious Bill – This sexy blend of Champagne, Denial and Southern Charm comes with a choke collar leash to keep that special someone right where you want them.
Fast Eddie Martini – Former PA Governor and Philadelphia Mayor Edward Rendell inspired this winning cocktail of moxie, chutzpah and Big Business which brought Philly out of the red in the 1990s. Goes well with cheesesteaks and Comcast.
The Wolf Pack – Named for the current PA Governor, this cocktail is deceptively mild, but packs a heavy punch when it comes to fracking and school funding.
Christy on the Beach – Sixteen ounces of taxpayer tears from Hurricane Sandy victims still waiting for their rebate, topped with a Bavarian Crème donut.
Ryan’s Last Stand – This non-alcoholic cocktail of reason and integrity created in honor of the Speaker of the House is sobering, but unlikely to stop the Trump’s conga line to Cleveland.
Make America Drunk Again – A six-pack of warm, domestic beer followed by a chaser of greed, racism and intolerance. This noxious cocktail appeals to older, white men who fear that a female president will shrivel their penis.
Naked Melania – Popularized by the British edition of GQ, this perky cocktail is a classic combination of Eastern European gold digger with silicone boobs and a filthy rich, pot-bellied, real estate developer on Cialis. Short shelf life due to fact that the main ingredient loses her appeal upon her 42 birthday.
Palin Punch – This bubbly NRA favorite mixes beauty pageant perkiness, moose meat and unwed mothers. Its goes down smooth but comes back up when you least expect it. While under the influence, do not attempt to operate a motor vehicle, assault weapon or your brain.
Dems’ Delight – A tall, chilled glass of social action at the bottom of which delegates can see call girls, financing for their local campaigns and Trump’s concession speech.
Bush Whacked – W inspired this blend of Tequila, Saudi kick-backs and Halliburton stock which goes down as easy as a West Texas sunset. Rim the glass with cocaine for an extra jolt.
Syrian Sidecar – This lethal cocktail could bring the DNC to its knees…with their head in the toilet on Election Day. Mix one homeland terrorist attack with a jigger of tolerance for American Muslims. KABOOM!
Cruz Control – Just piss into a tumbler and add a swizzle stick. Hold your nose and down it goes!
Kasich on the Rocks – Also known as the Lone Ranger. There’s something to be said for a man who never took no for an answer. Even when it was shouted by millions. This aged malt whiskey should be fancied with a hearing aid.
Megyn Mojito – Fox News commentator Megyn Kelly inspired this tantalizing mix of triple-processed hair, chiseled features and conservative values. Warning: This one will sneak up on you from behind with a sledge hammer.
Obama on the Beach – This is not a cocktail. It is where our President will be as soon as this rodeo is over.
Stacia Friedman can be found at www.StaciaFriedman.com. She also writes for the Boca Raton Observer, Funny Times, Purple Clover, Newsworks and NYCityWoman.