It sounds like a great trait to have. It’s certainly useful when it comes to organizing or getting things done. I want my accountant or my neurosurgeon to be one – that’s for sure.

But more and more, people are realizing that it has its down side. And that down side can be dramatic and destructive.

Perfectionism isn’t simple drive. It’s not only about wanting to achieve.

It can become an intense need to have things look and sound and act perfectly. The problem? You’re not in control of how others perceive things. The perfect dinner for you might not be the perfect dinner for someone else. The perfect car, the perfect dress, the perfect workout… all could be perceived differently.

You can get completely lost, chasing perfection. It’s a weird mental and emotional set up for shame  — you’ve failed at something that no one can achieve. But you secretly believe you should be able to pull it off. You try, and try, and try again.

Then a strange thing happens. A cycle is set up. You do things very, very well. People commend you, admire you. That’s when another problem begins to arise.

The fears of perfectionism…

You start living in fear – fear that the next time won’t be successful or perfect. The teenage quarterback who has led his team to three state championships and is being watched by not only college scouts, but professional ones. The young mother who’s promoted at her job for her outstanding contributions but stays up until 2:00 am to get that very work done. The attorney who has an almost perfect trial record, attracting more and more difficult cases. All feel honored. But the pressure can be immense.

If what is motivating them is perfectionism, failing feels intolerable. Accepting less than their most perfect work — completely unacceptable.

Years ago, I told a therapist, “If I don’t keep my thumb at my back, pushing myself every minute, I’m afraid that I’ll become a slug.” Striving for perfection, at the time, was the goal.

Fear is what keeps perfectionism alive. Fear of not being on top — of being behind — of not looking like you’ve got it all together — of making mistakes that will be noticed — fear of rejection or judgment. Fear that you won’t be as good as you were last time. Fear that you have to hide what you know to be painful. And the list goes on.

Five Steps Toward Confronting Perfectionism

So, what are you supposed to do if you’re caught up in perfectionism?

When I moved to Fayetteville, I loved theatre. I’d gotten the part of Emma Goldman in Tintypes, a musical in an old Vaudeville style. The character was an early suffragette and socialist, who gave frequent public speeches decrying the state of the politics of the US. She did crazy things like come skating onstage, while playing the violin… badly. (The second part wasn’t hard at all — the skating nearly did me in.)

I had lunch with a friend before I accepted the role, “Do you think I should do it? What will people think about their therapist quoting socialism and acting nutty?” She looked at me, calmly, and said, “There will be some people who would decide never to darken your door. ‘She’s one of those theatre people.’ And there would be others who would say, ‘Thank goodness she’s normal and has things she loves to do.”

I realized right then that she was right. Being true to my own passions — my love of music and theatre — was more important than looking like the perfect therapist to everyone –however that’s supposed to look.

That’s one of the steps — moving out of trying to morph yourself into who others need you to be.

Here are five steps you can take to do the same.

  1. Confront your fear.

Ask yourself these questions. What will actually happen if you don’t do something perfectly? Maybe you won’t get that raise. Maybe you won’t win the game. Maybe you’ll disappoint someone. How will you handle that? What skills do you have to get through that? You may need help with this, because your fear can seem very rational to you.

  1. Confront the idea that it’s possible to meet everyone else’s standards.

You don’t have control over what people think of you or what you do. You can be trying to live with integrity or do good deeds. There’s still no way you have control over what others think. Look instead for what you do have control over and focus on that.

  1. Realize that the perfectionism may be, somewhat contradictorily, making it harder for you.

Here’s a simple example. I’m holding a pen in my hand, gently but firmly. And I ask the perfectionist in front of me, “Is the pencil being held?” “Yes.” Then I grasp the pencil very hard between two fingers — as hard as I can. “Am I holding the pencil?” “Yes.”These questions follow. Which way of holding it is sustainable? Which one will I be able to do consistently? Which one fosters flexibility? Which one, if there was an emergency, would allow me the freedom and the energy to respond?

The urgency and intensity of your perfectionism is hurting you.

  1. Become more comfortable with knowing that others will see your flaws. And it’s okay because you’ve accepted them as well.

We talked about self-acceptance and self-compassion in podcast 033 and 045. But for this concept, I’d ask you to write down what you believe your strengths are. If you have trouble coming up with your strengths, then ask others that know you well. Of course, if you do, then that might be part of the issue itself.

Then write down your vulnerabilities — the things that you struggle with.

Do the same thing for someone you love. What are their strengths and vulnerabilities? Now, ask yourself, “Do my friend’s vulnerabilities define her more than her strengths? Do her strengths define her more than her vulnerabilities?” I think the answer is no. She’s a combination of assets and liabilities, of wonderful and not so hot. She’s defined or identified by both.

And so are you. You’re no different than anyone else.

  1. Continue striving for excellence, yet accept you’re learning, and you can’t know what you don’t know.

In learning and living fully, there’s always risk involved. The process is about growing. Learning from mistakes. Being challenged by successes.

I’ve laughed reading some of my first blog posts. I went through a period when I thought sentence fragments were very cool. One lady on the Huffington Post called me out on it — “This woman can’t even write a full sentence.” She was right. But I was learning. I’ll look back five years from now and laugh as well. But the learning is worth the risk.

Five things to try. You won’t be perfect. Be okay with that. Or begin to learn.

Begin to risk. Begin to accept. Begin to feel free.


I’ve written about a kind of depression that comes with perfectionism. Here’s a questionnaire to determine where you may belong on the spectrum of Perfectly Hidden Depression.

You can hear more about Perfectly Hidden Depression and many other topics by listening to Dr. Margaret’s new podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

Click here for “Marriage Is Not For Chickens,” the new gift book by Dr. Margaret! It’s perfect for engagements, anniversaries, weddings, or for the person you love!

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