Tanya Elizabeth Ashfaq
With our media still glorifying young couples as the sexual ideal, this idea may
seem crazy. But several experts believe the years beyond 50 can be the most
sexually satisfying, for men and women. One of them is Alan Heeks, author of a
new book, Out of the Woods: A Guide to Life for Men Beyond 50. Although
writing for men, he offers a lot of insights and techniques that women can share.
Alan explains, “One of the good things about the later years is that the kind of
sex men and women want converges. Research shows that most older men
want to give and receive more love, nurturing and tender touch as part of their
sexual relationship. While older women, from the forties onwards, have
hormonal shifts which increase libido. Older women are typically more sexually
assertive and more willing to experiment.
Midlife brings physical changes for women and men which can damage their
sexual self-confidence, but can be used as opportunities. Problems like erectile
dysfunction and vaginal dryness can get blamed on loss of love or libido, and
even lead partners to question the relationship: yet they arise from hormonal
changes which are a natural part of aging.
Alan’s book highlights ways to turn these problems to advantage. For example,
most couples fight shy of talking about sex. But at this age, there are huge gains
from honest conversations about what turns you both on, and what’s worrying
you. Men can learn to enjoy slow sex, where losing their erection is actually
desirable. And lubricants are a great zone for playful experimentation…
Declining sexual self-confidence is a big issue for both men and women beyond
50, and one of the basic needs for older couples is to help each other to recover
it. Here’s a relevant quote from Alan’s book: “Wrinkles, bulges and grey hair
often upset us more than they do our partners. If your sexual self-confidence is
low, the best single antidote is to focus on delighting your partner sexually. You
should soon realize this is readily do-able, and your confidence will increase with
their pleasure.”
Alan Heeks, now 65, has researched this book by ‘making most of the mistakes
available to men beyond fifty, but learning from them’, as well as leading groups
and checking out many of the books on this subject. His own fifties provided the
happy adolescence he never had as a teenager, including Tantra groups, blind
dates and other adventures.
Alan’s book Out of the Woods: A Guide to Life for Men Beyond 50 is published by
How To Books, September 19, 2013. The Men Beyond 50 Network offers
weekend workshops, local groups and online resources. See more at