Ronna Benjamin
Do you remember the Debbie Downer skits from Saturday Night Live? (spend five minutes and watch it here if you haven’t seen it).
I seem to be running into real mid-life Debbie Downers with increasing frequency as I enjoy my mid-fifties. So much so that I keep imagining Debbie Downer, now at mid life, hanging out with me and my friends.
Imagine with me for just a moment as I set the scene at lunch during a girls birthday spa weekend:
The Scene:
We are women of various shapes and sizes, wearing workout outfits, our hair pulled back in ponytails. We have just come from a rigorous exercise class. We are about to eat a healthy spa lunch, at a table set with fresh flowers, reserved just for us.
Waiter: “Good morning, ladies! Are you enjoying the spa so far?”
Me: “This is a dream come true! I just loved that cardio weight class this morning!”
Friend 1: “She was a fabulous teacher!”
Friend 2: “I feel so energized and refreshed!”
Debbie Downer: “…Well…actually… a little pee came out every time I did a jumping jack. The doctor says its urinary incontinence. The Kegels aren’t really working, so it looks like I’m going to need vaginal sling surgery.”
Sad trombone and painful expression: Wah, Wahhhhhhh
Waiter: “Hmmm….well….would you ladies prefer sparkling or flat water with your lunch this afternoon?”
Friend 2: “Flat is good with me, thanks.”
Me: “Sparkling for me, please!”
Debbie Downer: “Speaking of water, did you hear that the United Nations just issued a report that by 2030, global water resources will meet only 60% of the world’s water demands? Sparkling, flat…who cares? It will all be gone soon.”
Sad trombone and painful expression: Wah, Wahhhhhhh
“…and would you mind removing the flowers from the table? I’m very sensitive to smell. They’re giving me a migraine… either that, or I have a brain tumor.”
Little sad trombone: Wah, Wahh
Waiter: “Ladies, whenever you are ready, make your way to the lunch buffet. Everything is low in sugar, low in fat, and locally sourced.”
Me: “This is so awesome! I’m starving!”
Friend 1: “I just love having all this healthy food available…and no cooking!”
Debbie Downer: “My brother Harry ate healthy all his life… and he dropped dead of a heart attack at 45. Boom! …Left his wife and 3 young children. (Pause) …And one of them is disabled.”
Sad trombone and painful expression: Wah, Wahhhhhhh
Friend 2: “Well this sure beats sitting at my desk all day!”
Debbie Downer: “Did you know that sitting at a computer at your desk all day destroys your cardiovascular and skeletal systems? That kind of job is also proven to shorten your life because it’s so boring.”
Sad trombone and painful expression: Wah, Wahhhhhhh
Me: “Okay….but isn’t this little break from reality awesome? It’s so great that our kids are independent and we can do something special like this!”
Friend 1: “No more carpools, no more lunches to make, no more worrries about teenagers drinking in the basement!”
Debbie Downer: “Speaking of basements… I don’t think my Sammy is ever going to leave our basement. He’s been living there for a year now and he can’t seem to find a job. He’s was just diagnosed as clinically depressed. I think he might be stealing my meds.”
Sad trombone and painful expression: Wah, Wahhhhhhh
“…So what is everyone doing this afternoon?”
Friend 2: “I’m going to sit in the hot tub this afternoon and just relax.”
Debbie Downer: “Someone from my temple died recently from Legionnair’s Disease after going in a hot tub… I hear it’s no better than swimming in a petri dish. But go ahead…I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
Little sad trombone: Wah, Wahh
Me: “Well, I’m going to get an Ageless Oxygen Boost facial!”
Friend 1: “I’ve scheduled an Organic Seaweed Peat wrap!”
Debbie Downer: “I scheduled a deep tissue massage. It will sure feel good to have someone touch my body after all this time. My husband and I haven’t had sex in a year. At least, I haven’t…actually, I’m pretty sure he’s having an affair….
Sad trombone and painful expression: Wah, Wahhhhhhh
Debbie Downer: “…Oh…and it’s official…my mother has Altzheimer’s…”
(I think I just may have to make this a video….)