Dear Mr. Zuckerberg, the other insignificant Facebook founding members and those who claim to be the original founders,
Most recently I have been experiencing symptoms of worthlessness, heightened anxiety, sporadic bouts of anger and have considered actually pulling the plug…on Facebook.
You lured me into your life with promises of gaining friends, feeling liked, and allowing me to voice my opinions and concerns. Upon entering into this new relationship I developed confidence, posted intellectual thoughts about my day and exposed my whereabouts. I shared intimate and revealing photos of myself and family bringing a wholesome definition to the word “voyeurism.”
My inner circle blossomed as I embraced friend’s old and new including those I didn’t realize I knew. My past came to greet me as I reconnected with friends who fondly remembered me as that fat, annoying kid.
Old flames appeared on my screen allowing me a look at the splendors I missed out on. With them, I could share the most intimate details of my life. I felt the love, I shared, they liked and they shared and I liked – we were a family.
And then… the tables turned… the likes turned to dislikes, and the posts into stakes in the heart and I couldn’t take it anymore. It was time for medical intervention.
My doctor quickly recognized the signs and diagnosed me with FUC (Facebook Underachiever Complex). I have since learned that deepening sensations of FUC are accompanied by enviousness, grudge holding and resentment.
When experiencing FUC one is obsessed with whether or not aspects of his or her life are post worthy:
Can I post a vacation I found on Groupon?
How about running a 5 miler despite being followed by the street cleaner?
Can I post my high school student’s report card from first grade?
In extreme cases FUC can create explosive feelings of grandeur in individuals who plagiarize other posts and claim them as their own. Now that I am living with FUC I have learned to face reality; not all posts are equal and once a post, always a post.
As an individual faced with FUC, I have to subscribe to a new me by terminating my marriage to Facebook.
In the process, I will lose access to my 726 closest friends, no longer be invited to events, included in any groups or play games. Essentially I won’t know FUC after I complete this task.
I am sharing this with you in the hopes that you acknowledge your responsibility for the FUC syndrome, which has affected me personally as well as millions of other users.
To that end, I plan to engage legal counsel for restitution damages in the hopes they will help recover a portion of your 21 billion dollar valuation to help other individuals who face FUC daily.
Thank you in advance for your prompt attention. Failure to respond in a timely manner may result in excessive tweets, snapchats and instagram posts.
Founder of FUC Society