I’m picturing the day when this #StayAtHome mandate is lifted. Imagine a 1980s MTV video with school kids busting out the school door throwing their backpacks in the air. School’s out for summer!

But pushing past those damn kids to get out first will be Single Men. These men will be out in droves expecting something like V-E Day, 1945 with soldiers kissing random nurses in Times Square. But men will soon realize, just like the bacchanals of the ancient Greeks, the respectable women stayed home.

For me, it’s not because I ‘don’t do that sort of thing.’ Let’s be real here, it’s about health. Until a worldwide vaccination is administered, I’m hesitant meeting anyone before knowing the guy is ‘clean.’ And I ain’t talking about STDs. Don’t be surprised if dating apps invent a new icon of the little hairy Coronavirus with a slash through it like the no-smoking sign.

Me on Bumble:

“Hmm…He’s not that cute. And he’s out of work. But look, he’s Corona-cured!”

Swipe right!

What will dates look like in The Time of Corona? Until the vaccination, I suspect Dating Distancing will be necessary. 

First off, I will have to change my greeting. I’m a hugger. It may be time to hark back to the time of formality and reintroduce the bow and curtsy. “How do you do, milady?” I kinda like the idea of being called ‘milady.’

Dates will no longer take place in cozy lounge bars or tight retro coffee shops in NYC. Gone are the days of flirtation with the subtle touch of an arm, or the brushing of thighs under the table. Instead, picture meeting in parks with particularly long benches, and BYOB picnics (that’s Bring Your Own Blanket.)

If there’s mutual attraction, confirming it will require yelling at each other from a distance— ‘Hey! I really like you. Shall we give this a shot and quarantine together for two weeks?’

As for bad dates, I will re-cap to my girlfriends by saying “I wouldn’t let him touch me with a six-foot pole.”

I suppose for the dates where the physical chemistry is magnetic, it would be difficult to resist touching. And maybe that’s okay! The docs say Covid-19 can’t be transmitted sexually. Foreplay will consist of sensual hand washing. And masks will keep us from kissing.

On the bright side, masks could be a fun opportunity for some cosplay. I love dressing up! Unfortunately, all the sexy masks like Batgirl, or kitty cat do not cover the nose and mouth. So I did a quick Google search and let me tell you, some funky sh*t pops up under ‘sexy masks.’  (I sincerely hope I don’t die soon. My laptop’s browser history will shock my family. ‘It was for research! I swear!’)

It was more fun choosing a mask for the future lucky guy. If I have to look up (or down) at that mask covered face, then he may as well look like Ryan Reynolds.

Me, the night of the first sleepover, reaching into my nightstand drawer:

“Hey babe. Would you put this on?” —pulls out a Trojan

“…and this?” —pulls out a Deadpool mask.

In the meantime, I’ve thrown out my texting rules and have had some fun on the dating apps. I have sexted with a Brooklyn man I’ve never met. I exchanged sexy pictures (read: not nude) with a South African man waiting it out here until his country’s borders are re-opened. I’ve critiqued an erotic story written by a British man I met on Tinder. He works at the U.N.  

I’m hedging that I won’t meet any of these men. But I’m okay with that. It’s more entertaining than the Tiger King on Netflix.

And when this is over, if I’m lucky, maybe that handsome English U.N. guy will read his erotic story very loudly to me while on a two-blanket picnic.

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