Dating for Valentine’s? Get me out of this Hell!

Waiting for my date…

OK, I admit it. I am single almost by nature and love it that way – although, at times, fantasies about a hot and sexy romance before it’s “too late” is getting the better of me. So I have been in and out of the dating zoo – with a certain lack of enthusiasm and a fair share of ambivalence.

Like many others I was too cheap to pay for some websites that promise exiting dates, so I signed on for free to the dating site OK STUPID. Did I say STUPID? Yes, I guess I did, because it is. I can’t imagine that even the notoriously game original love God CUPID himself has been seen in action there – and frankly, I can’t blame him.

It’s the OK-men who are mostly depressing and live in a world I don’t understand for the life of me. Like the 67-year-old rotund “readiforlove” guy from Tarzana, CA, with a jaunty hat and a Cocker Spaniel on his lap who claimed that “the sight of you pleases the eyes and troubles the mind.” I can only return the latter part of the “compliment,” I’m afraid.

I can’t complain about mild to over-enthusiastic compliments and attention, I get a fair amount of daily mails from men between 28 and 78. I do have a pretty picture posted (and don’t lie about my age), but I’m surprised about being offered adventurous sex with several hot-blooded, much too young men, like “cupidangelo” who likes to explore “all there is”. Which in my case might be described as “been there, done that” (after all I was a young woman in the 60s).

But then there are men like Barry (70) from Bakersfield, actually a part of L.A. I’ve been warned about – no, not because of gangs, but boredom. He writes: “Hello smiling face!” That’s it. It reminds me of that lame old James Taylor Song “Whenever I see your Smiling Face”. James is probably about my age; maybe he is secretly on OK?

What is going on? What do these men want from me? Have I not told them in my profile that I’m a fiery feminist, still adventurous and independent and not looking for marriage and candle light dinners? But undeterred, here it comes from “betterthanever52“: I’m honest, passionate, caring, gentle, sincere, I love to be active and hard working, I’m God fearing, supportive, I’m a giver and not a taker. I’m looking for the special one I will spend the rest of my life with”. This sounds truly scary! Another pleads: “Tired of living alone… Please, come save me!” Nope. Save yourself, buddy.

The youngsters are more direct. A 22-year-old simply writes: “Let’s hang out sometime! I can handle anything!” That’s the spirit! Yet, I decline.

But they want it all: Trust, faithfulness, commitment, Christianity, kindness, selflessness. The dream woman has to be tolerant, clean, sexy, modest, humorous, honest, and slightly intelligent, love his dog, kids, Grandma, sports, the ocean and BBQ. They have a lot to offer, too, mostly manly understanding of the female soul that is alien to them. And they share. A lot. Mostly things you’d hoped you never ever would hear, like: In the cookies of life, your friends are the chocolate chips….lol, and this: When the world gets dark, friends are the batteries in your flashlight. I’m not making this up!

And in their summary they say things like this:

The first things people usually notice about me:

My sensitive hands and I make people laugh

Or it’s something like:

The six things I could never do without:

Oxygen, FOX News, coffee, sex, Elvis, pizza

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

You and how I can get you to loan me some money

(I made that one up.)

I think I speak for most women when I advise men not to start a conversation with just “hi” or “hi, pretty lady, how was ur day”, or “care about a chat?” or “can I know you, please?” No, you definitely can’t with that grammar! Also, please, no photos of your car, ex-wives, Mom, best buddy, dogs in sweaters, vacationing anywhere, especially not snorkeling pictures, theme parks, having a glass of wine in your hand, costume party pix, selfies in bathroom mirror with visible shower curtain, patting a horse, hugging a kid or playing an instrument, OK?

The best date I’ve ever had…

So, now you want to know: did I date eventually? Yes, I did. Nothing too exciting happened. As usual, the men had lied about their height and their hair, meaning they were shorter and had less hair (I heard that women usually lie about their weight and their age). The conversations were polite but tepid, all men wore glasses and their shirts over their jeans, and all were irritated that I don’t have a car in L.A. They wanted to meet again, I didn’t. I walked home, thinking each time: “I’m actually not looking for someone.”

So these are my tips for incorrigible people who can’t stay away from dating sites. Sign on, search and play the game only if you:

1. Have lots of time to waste and the patience of a Saint
2. Know a translator or language specialist to decipher the crazy, inane grammar of the candidates
3. Have a jolly disposition and a forgiving heart
4. Really, really want to hike with a stranger in the Santa Monica Mountains
5. Don’t mind pictures of jovial pensioners in jogging suits and sandals visiting Disneyland and hugging Goofy
6. Don’t mind blurry phone-selfies of bored young dudes in t-shirts and wool caps watching TV in unmade beds and eating snacks
7. Are easily taken by a list of likes that include “a good glass of wine”, “like to cuddle” “looking for a deep rooted relationship”, “living my life to the fullest”, the words “nurture”, “share” and “passion for life” – and are longer than “Gone with the Wind” but lack Rhett and Scarlett’s chemistry
8. Don’t mind pictures of tanned old guys in tank tops and “cool” big cargo pants sitting on shrill-colored motorbikes
9. Love to receive links to animal-related vids 3 times a day that are signed with lol
10. Believe in miracles

I’ve noticed that in the end dating sites aren’t really about getting to know somebody, it’s all about throwing your individual dreams at some stranger and see whether they stick.

So, to make a long dating story short and reveal in OK STUPID style “The most private thing I’m willing to admit”: Sorry to say – with Bobby Dylan, himself a 70-plus guy – “It Ain’t me, Babe!” Now, Bob himself, that’s another story. Is he dating? He seems like a cranky pensioner but he is rich and I like his pencil-moustache, Cowboy jackets and his hat. His songs, too. I think I’m his type.

Sabine blogs at http://grayinlosangeles.blogspot.com and can be found on FB: https://www.facebook.com/RadicalChick46 and Instragram: foxygrayinla.com

“STOP BEAUTY DUTY” can be purchased on http://www.amazon.com/dp/B014CBAG1K