Kink is a word you’ve probably heard but don’t have a good definition of. According to Wikipedia, “In human sexuality, kinkiness or kinky (adjective), is a term used to refer to an intelligent and playful usage of sexual concepts which are overt, accentuated, unambiguously expressive of sexuality. The term derives from the idea of a “bend” (cf. a “kink”) in one’s sexual behaviour, to contrast such behaviour with “straight” or “narrow” sexual mores and proclivities.”
“Normal” people, like you and me, enjoy different kind of sexual experiences. You can’t tell from looking at someone what he or she enjoys in the privacy of the bedroom. Your dentist might be the guy who likes to be spanked like a little boy during sex.
What happens when you’re dating a great guy and discover that he likes something you can’t imagine yourself doing? I know a woman who was married several years before discovering that her husband got turned on by wearing women’s underwear.
The thing is, when we’re getting to know someone, before the undressing begins, we don’t feel comfortable talking about what turns us on. We’re afraid to share our fantasies or ‘kink’. And, by the time we do, it can be awkward, to say the least.
A reader shared her dating story with me. When she started dating her now second husband, he was surprised to discover velcro restraints on her bed. She liked to play with bondage—a mild version, compared to the serious bondage you might find in BDSM. For his more straight-laced sexual attitude this was a little too spicy. She didn’t share more details but clearly, since they are now married, they found some compatibility in the bedroom.
And, that’s the key, finding a way to have the kind of sex both of you want and need. How do you tell a prospective date or your husband that you have a desire to have sex while wrapped in Saran wrap? Or that you want him to use his necktie to tie your hands to the bedpost? What happens when he has a desire to watch you masturbate? Or do things that are even farther away from your ‘norm’?
If there’s something you want to try but you feel embarrassed telling your partner, consider these openers:
Honey, I’ve been reading this book and they’re doing ________________, it sounds kinda fun. Maybe we could try it?
One of my friends at book group told us about this thing she and her boyfriend do. I was shocked and yet…
Tell me one of your deepest fantasies and I’ll tell you mine.
Let’s try something new. For some reason I feel this urge to get a little ‘naughty’.
How do you think I’d look in a French maid’s outfit?
In most cases you might be surprised at your partner’s willingness to try new things. In my experience, men don’t typically expect women to express desire for new things—and when we do, it gets them pretty excited. Start slowly to see if he or she has any interest. Make sure you feel safe sharing your secrets. And, be willing to find middle ground where both of you feel comfortable. If you make a request, leave it open-ended, don’t push for a “yes”.
I plan to reenter the dating market in 2014. It’s important to me that we be compatible sexually so I won’t wait too long to reveal myself. Here’s my conversation starter for the second date. “So, would this be too soon for me to tell you that I write about sex for a living? Want to see my collection of sex toys?”
He’ll either run immediately or lean forward and eagerly invite me to tell him more.
Next week: A New Year Equals a New Sexier You