Judy Millar
There’s so much to worry about these days. Did the Russians hack the DNC? Will The Donald be The Disaster many predict? Will you succumb to seasonal stress and try to tan your Butterball’s bikini line with strategic use of aluminum foil? (Not easily done, but anything’s possible after too many eggnogs and too much mother-in-law.)
It’s not too late to seek out serenity. This year, let’s all color ourselves calm at Christmas!
I admit, I’m a latecomer to the adult coloring book craze. I sniggered when others raved about the relaxation, stress-reduction and absolute sense of relief they found by coloring inside stylized lines. Me? I was too cool to color. Then along came 2016. “I am SO DONE with this ‘Annus Horribilis,’” I thought. “If calm can come from coloring, count me in.”
Simply deciding to join the coloring craze made me feel more centered. More in control. “Color me composed,” I thought as I set out to shop for my first grown-up coloring book. Oh, but then. The book theme choices were mind-boggling. Should I opt to color patterns or polka-dots? Butterflies or beavers? Manta rays or mandalas? Aagggh. Decision-making always stresses me out.
After considerable dithering, I settled on mandalas. What better antidote for anxiety than coloring a cosmic diagram, right? Mandala circles are infinite—soothing, sacred and serene. I was almost sold—until I spotted A Snarky Mandala Coloring Book. This book’s mandala patterns set off colorful sayings never once contemplated by the Dalai Lama. Zingers like: “Some people need a high five. In the face. With a chair.” and “I found your nose. It was in my business. Again.” Ha!
It turns out there’s a whole “snark” section of coloring books. It features a collection of F-bomb titles ranging from Cheer the F*ck Up to Calm the F*ck Down! I could almost hear the Dalai Lama laughing (once he stopped hyperventilating). After a long hard day, who doesn’t want to sit back, grab a glitter pen, and color in a flower-garlanded “Carpe F*cking Diem”?
This year, Christmas calm is as close as your pearlescent pencil crayon. And your gift-giving problems are solved too. When your mother-in-law launches into her annual gripe about your too-dry turkey, you can smile sweetly and hand her an ornately colored “Suck it up, Buttercup.”
Admit it. You’re feeling more serene already. No? Then here’s one more merry maxim to color this Christmas: “Home is where the eggnog is.” Oh, and the aluminum foil.
Judy Millar (judymillar.ca) is a Canadian humor writer and performer. Her book Millar LITE: A Comic Look at Life, Love, Sex and Survival is coming in 2017.