talking about orgasmThere is no consensus on how many of us are having orgasms. The Kinsey Institute reports a finding from a 1994 study that indicate 29% of women always have orgasms with their partner.  Another states that only 25% of women consistently have orgasms through vaginal intercourse—but it doesn’t state whether there is additional stimulation.  Informal conclusions are varied and based on hearsay.

We can talk about orgasms in many ways–through intercourse alone, intercourse with clitoral stimulation, clitoral orgasm vs. G-spot. Vaginal orgasms.

It’s enough to make one’s head spin and can be confusing for women of all ages.

Reasons Women Don’t Have Orgasms 

Simply put, many women have challenges reaching orgasm, for a variety of reasons. Many more of us have those occasional times when the orgasm eludes us, regardless of how good our sex usually is.

Why don’t women have orgasms? There is no one answer, it could be one of the following or multiple:

  • Women on antidepressants may feel a lessened libido
  • Prior history of sexual abuse
  • Some women with strict religious upbringings feel guilt about sex
  • Bad sexual relationships where a partner is not interested in or capable of helping his woman have an orgasm
  • Physiological problems
  • Menopausal related issues such as vaginal atrophy, dryness or other issues that interfere with a woman’s ability to feel desire

And, then, there are the many women who are fully orgasmic and have a great sex life. We rarely hear about that group as our culture is more focused on what is wrong with women.

Regardless of where you fall on this scale it is possible to have better, more satisfying orgasms. First and foremost, get to know your body’s responsiveness by self-pleasuring. Explore. Touch and look. Get out a mirror and some lubricant and get to know your genitals.

If you know you’re going to have sex do something to get you in the mood. I don’t know about you but I can’t go straight from dishwashing to sex. Begin to get your mind ready for sex. The initial mental stimulation is foreplay; something women often need more than men. Think sexy thoughts, read something that stirs you up, flirt and play with your guy a little—whatever helps to increase your arousal. It will be different for every woman.

The Anatomy of the Clitoris

The clitoris is our version of a penis—it’s where most of our pleasure lies.  The clitoris swells, turns a deeper red when aroused and has 8000 nerve endings, the penis has 5000. Here’s a video by renowned sex expert, Dr. Betty Dodson drawing a clitoris—just to give you an idea of how big the clit really is. Some people believe the G-spot orgasm is possible because the stimulation and manipulation puts pressure on clitoral tissue buried behind the G-spot.  For most women, the orgasm is clitoral in nature. It can happen though clit stimulation, intercourse or a combination of both. I have only had 2 ‘spontaneous’ vaginal orgasms, without clitoral stimulation, in my sexual life. We are all different in what arouses us and how achieve orgasm.

–       You can try intercourse with digital stimulation or a small vibrator applied to your clitoris (it will feel good for him as well).

–       Certain sexual positions bring more pressure to the clitoris and help to create the friction needed to bring about orgasm. You can try various positions to see which suits you best. Alternately try a position that allows one of you can use a small vibrator or fingers to play with the clitoris during intercourse.

–       Oral sex is one of the best ways to bring a woman to climax. Try it alone, or in combination with a vibrator. Some of these JimmyJane vibrators are designed to work in combination with penis, tongue or fingers.

We have to take charge of our own orgasms. Men aren’t always able to figure that out and satisfy us without our help. The best way to ensure consistently good orgasms is to provide the stimulation yourself or help educate your partner on your specific needs. Very few men intuitively know what to do or know exactly how you want it to be done.  So, if you’re ready to set the sparks flying it’s time to spend a little time focusing on your orgasms.

(If you’re not able to experience an orgasm, consider talking to your doctor to rule out any health related causes)

Next week: Having Sex When He Can’t Get It Up

Extra Reading:

How To Become More Orgasmic

Understanding the Female Orgasm

Women and the Orgasm

The Female Orgasm- Myths and Facts 

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