Are You Turned On?

Our resident Sex Expert, Walker Thornton, writes about getting turned on in the bedroom. But there’s something equally important that needs to be turned on when you’re out there dating – your intuition. Have you ever had a gut feeling about a guy? It might start with his online dating profile photo. Did a look in his eyes send a signal that this guy seemed shady? Or conversely, that he looked warm and kind and approachable? A few words in his profile essay could set off a little alarm: he’s too rigid; he’s illiterate or too focused on sex. Maybe you’ve met in person, and he was exceedingly sweaty or shifty-eyed. What is your intuition telling you? And more importantly, are you paying attention to those signals or pushing them aside?

I am a strongly intuitive person. I have a very keen sense of something being “off” or “on.” It’s one of the reasons I think I am a good life/dating coach. I can sense when someone’s words don’t match what’s going on underneath. But I have also been known to ignore my intuition, and I’ve made some very bad decisions because of it. Like marrying my husband in spite of huge red flags.

Why did I ignore my intuition in the past? Because in addition to my deep intuitive sense, I have a very strong sense of logic. At times, my practical brain can overrule my intuition. He asked me to marry him after two months? My gut was saying, “Slow down!” But my head was saying, “This is the best offer you’ve ever had. Marry him. He’s a good guy.” Has that ever happened to you?

I have since learned to tune up my intuition and pay attention to those hunches, especially when it comes to big decisions. That gut feeling you have in the pit of your stomach? It’s usually the smartest part of you.

So the next time you get a feeling that someone you meet either online or in person is “not right,” pay closer attention. Stop. Breathe. What are you feeling? What feels uncomfortable? Is it fear or is it something about his personality? Honor your intuitive feelings.

My client Shari received an email from a guy on Match.com who thought they were perfect for each other. He was handsome and seemed like a nice enough guy, so after a few emails on the dating site, they exchanged private emails. He sent her a very loooong synopsis of his life story, beginning at about age two. I kid you not! He told her that it was essential for her to know about his past before their first date. Shari got that sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. Her intuition was telling her that he was “off.” Why was it important for her to know his past at this early stage? Isn’t that a sign of insecurity?

In spite of her intuition, she went on a first date with him. On the date, he went into a long tirade about his ex-wife. He painted her as a crazy woman, while outing himself as a controlling psycho. He texted her the next morning that he had trouble sleeping because of the green tea that he drank that night. He wanted her to make sure he didn’t have green tea on future dates. Bye bye psycho guy. Your intuition was right, Shari. Trust it next time.

One of the wisest nuggets of dating advice I ever heard came from my nephew’s wife. She said that she almost married another man, but her grandmother asked, “How do you feel when you’re with him?” She felt that something was off, but couldn’t articulate what it was. When she met my nephew, there was an immediate fit. They are a fantastic match. I’m glad she listened to grandma.

When you meet a new man, are you comfortable? Are you a more enhanced version of yourself? Does he want the best for you? Pay attention to those signs, and you will be a much more savvy dater.

How’s your intuition? Next time you’re on a date, take it with you and tune it up. Please share a comment on a time when you didn’t listen to your intuition and how it impacted your love life.

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