What’s charity sex? Sex just to keep him happy. Having sex when you don’t want it because it’s easier than explaining what’s wrong. Sex where a partner expects you to give, with no regard to your needs and desire.
I’ve had charity sex. And I bet most of you have too. Except for you rare birds who have perfect sex lives with the perfectly in-tune, sensitive partner.
Call me if he has a brother!
In the declining years of my marriage I would agree to sex for reasons one and two. I tried the “I’m not in the mood but if you really want I’ll let you”…he rarely turned that down. Worse? He failed to realize how one-sided and selfish he was being about his ‘sexual needs’.
A good sexual relationship means that you both tell the truth. You communicate your own wishes and you try to understand what your partner wants. And, if your partner is really interested in sex as a manifestation of mutual desire—he won’t push, knowing you’re not really in the right mood.
What Kind of Sexual Mood Are You In?
Men are more likely to find themselves sexually aroused at a moment’s notice. Women tend to need a little time to get their minds and bodies engaged. That can take a little or a lot of preparation. Some days you want to spend hours engaging in sexual play. At other times one or both of you may not be in the mood, or have time for it.
If my day has been stressful and I have lots on my mind I’m unlikely to have an orgasm. But, I might still enjoy pleasuring him and/or allowing myself to enjoy some form of sex without the need for orgasm. Depending on my mood I might suggest a quickie, something we can both enjoy. Or maybe a blow job?
It is not charity sex if you’re participating, at any level, because you want to.
Make Decisions About Sex To Maximize Your Enjoyment
We’re not always in the mood. When he wants it and you don’t, you have the option to opt out. If you decide to engage in some version of sex, do it out of a desire to connect with your partner. Hopefully you’ve communicated what’s going on for you in the moment. Your partner should be able to accept and respect your needs and your openness.
When a partner tries to make you feel guilt, pushes you to have sex or ignores your requests for certain things—you shouldn’t feel obligated. Sex is no fun if you’re not going to enjoy it.
The blow job is one of those acts many women do not enjoy yet agree to perform to keep their guy happy. Been there too! The sexual give and take within a relationship can be delicate. But it’s important to engage in reciprocity, with a mutual understanding and respect when it comes to sex.
It’s important that both parties communicate their wishes and needs about sex. As a divorced woman of 10 years, I use the conversation about sex as one measure of compatibility. The man who doesn’t take my needs into consideration isn’t deserving of me. His response is critical to my understanding of what kind of partner he would be, in and out of bed. Is he listening? Do my desires or lack of interest matter as much as his own needs? Is he wrapped up in satisfying himself without considering what I want and need? If he expects me to have sex just because he’s in the mood—he’s asking for charity sex.
There are a couple of things you might say to keep things on an equal footing:
- I would love to have sex with you tonight but I’m exhausted. How about we make plans for tomorrow night?
- I’m not in the mood for that, but I might be up for a quickie. What do you think?
- I’m not feeling very sexy, but why not try getting me in the mood? No promises.
- And the blunt take: Are you F…ing kidding me? We had sex twice yesterday; I couldn’t possibly find the energy to rock your world again tonight. But, I’d happily lie here and let you bring me to orgasm (as you hand him your favorite sex toy and some lube).
What do you do when your partner is pressuring you for charity sex?
What do you want to talk about next week? Email me, firstname.lastname@example.org