Annoying Things Older Couples Do While Grocery Shopping

The typical grocery shopping experience jams large volumes of pissed off adults and cranky kids into cramped aisles. Throw in a dash of bad manners with a confusing array of overpriced choices and you find yourself at supermarket stress fest.

So, if the experience spells stress, what’s left? Well, there’s observation and humor. Once you get past the half running kids and gym workout moms, you’ll want to watch the mid lifers. We’re some funny ass people.

Here are a few things you’ll see the 50+ crowd do while grocery shopping.

Argue – What’s grocery shopping without a few disagreements or vehement negotiations? Boring.

Let’s face facts, there’s a fixed amount in the grocery budget. Sometimes, we’re not shopping from the same grocery list. So, if one of us has a craving for something not on the list, get ready for a curse filled throw down.

Stand back and enjoy the spectacle. Young’uns, take notes. Someday, you’ll have the same conversation.

Over Read Labels – Dude, we’re reading about processed food. Food labels are a confusing mix of myths, lies, and adjectives. We’re not going to allow a food conglomerate to “Nigerian prince” our food choices. Another thing; we’re armed with smartphones. We derive satisfaction in looking up chemical additives and how they affect our sex drive. Be patient because we’re reading the damn fine print. Right after, we locate our bifocals.

Pretend we don’t want Oreo®‘s – Everyone knows mid-lifers try holding off death until we’re biblical. That’s why we stare, read labels, and mutter every week in the Oreo® section. The snake says yes, WebMD says no.

Wander off – Life doesn’t get more pitiful than two mid lifers lost in a big box store. We pull out our smart phones to locate one another, and both smirk at why they call them smart phones. After all, if phones are smart, would we be lost?

Once located, we arrive with accusation and irritation. Where the hell have you been? You were right behind me! I turned around and you disappeared! I walked 7.4 miles through this damn store trying to find you.

Next time, we’ll ditch the not-so-smart phones and make sure somebody wears a bell.

Order 11 deli items four slices at a time – We’re the reason grocery delis have ½ day waiting lines. After all, we don’t write out our deli list at home. We make our list while we peruse the deli scoreboard. Please understand, paper thin deli meat costs less. We’re sorry you’re losing seconds of your life while we fuss about meat width, but we need those extra pennies to spoil our grandchildren.

Indecision – We inspect eggs. Extra large or jumbo? Free range or cage free? Over easy or scrambled? We’re expiration date sensitive, too. We do stare at every milk or creamer carton in the dairy section. After all, no one wants cottage cheese coffee creamer three days later. Talk about grouchy.

Communal conversations – We love seeing high school friends. Especially, those we haven’t seen since we graduated 35+ years ago. Forgive us for holding a mini class reunion and blocking the ice cream aisle. You don’t need ice cream anyway. Go grab a carrot, young ‘un. We’ve got 35 years of catching up to do.

Taking our time – If you think we drive slow, follow us around a grocery store. Really, we’re not in a hurry to do much of anything. With all the label reading, fussing, and visiting we do, what do you expect? By the way, the only time we move fast in a grocery, is when we’re driving the motorized cart and you’re in our way.

Slip items into a stranger’s cart – We like laughing as much as anyone. Plus, we no longer feel embarrassment. When you checkout, you may find condoms, gefilte fish, and an anti-fungal itch cream in your cart. As your annoyance boils over, you’ll realize you’ve been had by someone carrying an AARP card.

So, next time you’re grousing at a grocery store grandma, stop. Take a minute and appreciate what you’re about to learn. Appreciate the humor. Oh, one more thing. Help grandma find grandpa. He’ll be the one cursing a smartphone and slipping something into your cart.