first date sexDear Sandy,

I have been divorced eight years, and have had about 20 first dates only! No relationships started followed. Sometimes it was my decision & sometimes his. I am always shocked after a great first date to find out he doesn’t want a 2nd date! Personally, I think a man realizes during the course of our first date that I am not going to sleep with him. I am far from being a prude, but I would prefer to get to know men better before I hit the sack! What to do? I have dated successful men & losers! They all are the same. Any words of advice?

Thank you,  Linda

Dear Linda,

So you’ve been on twenty dates in eight years? I did the math, and it looks like you’ve been divorced for approximately 2,920 days. Twenty dates is not a whole lot of dating experience. And yet, you’ve formed a pretty strong conclusion about men being “all the same,” wanting to get a woman in the sack on a first or second date.

I would caution anyone from making broad assumptions about anyone.  Unfortunately, in the dating world, assumptions are rampant. And they can be very destructive in terms of your dating and relationship potential.

This morning, a client told me that when she’s had a good date with a man, she gets upset to see that he’s still logging into his online dating account. She assumes that he’s not really interested in her or that he’s not serious about relationships. How does she know this?

There are so many other reasons for why he may be logged on. For example, if he’s good-looking, tall, and makes a good living, he’s probably very popular online. He might be checking the hundreds of emails he gets a day. Statistically, men in their 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s are at a definite advantage in dating. Sorry ladies, but men get a lot more attention. Ever visit a senior living facility and see the women flocking around one “eligible bachelor?” It’s frustrating that we don’t get the same attention, but that’s just the way it is. So, by logging into his online account, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like her. It might just mean he’s popular and is not yet ready to be in a relationship with her.

Another reason he might be logging in is because they just started dating. It would actually be frightening if he took down his profile after one or two dates. Slow and steady is a healthier approach.

You’ve made an assumption about all men wanting to jump in the sack on a first or second date. The problem does not lie with all men being lewd and single-minded. The issue is that you’re dating the wrong men, and you’re not going on enough dates.

I advise you to increase the number of men you’re dating by dating online, and be pickier about who you date. Choose men who have integrity, men who are relationship oriented, and men who respect women. There are plenty of them out there. Trust me.

A good guy will not pressure you for sex. But it is human nature for a man to want to have sex. That’s a positive thing. Would you want a guy who was asexual? I think not.

So, if you’ve been on a few dates and a guy asks you to come back to his place and you’re not ready to sleep with him, let him know by saying something like this:

“John, I am really attracted to you. But I am not ready to have sex with you yet. I don’t sleep with men until we’re exclusive. This is not to pressure you at all. If and when we’re both ready to be exclusive, you’re in for a wild night! Until then, there are plenty of other things we can do…(wink, wink).”

So, Linda, please don’t blame men for wanting to have sex with women too soon. Please don’t draw big conclusions about the character of all men.

Get out there and date more good guys, and let me know how you feel about men wanting to get you in the sack before you’re ready. I think you’ll soon form a more positive conclusion about men and dating.

Wishing you lots of love,


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