first date sexDear Sandy,

I have been divorced eight years, and have had about 20 first dates only! No relationships started followed. Sometimes it was my decision & sometimes his. I am always shocked after a great first date to find out he doesn’t want a 2nd date! Personally, I think a man realizes during the course of our first date that I am not going to sleep with him. I am far from being a prude, but I would prefer to get to know men better before I hit the sack! What to do? I have dated successful men & losers! They all are the same. Any words of advice?

Thank you,  Linda

Dear Linda,

So you’ve been on twenty dates in eight years? I did the math, and it looks like you’ve been divorced for approximately 2,920 days. Twenty dates is not a whole lot of dating experience. And yet, you’ve formed a pretty strong conclusion about men being “all the same,” wanting to get a woman in the sack on a first or second date.

I would caution anyone from making broad assumptions about anyone.  Unfortunately, in the dating world, assumptions are rampant. And they can be very destructive in terms of your dating and relationship potential.

This morning, a client told me that when she’s had a good date with a man, she gets upset to see that he’s still logging into his online dating account. She assumes that he’s not really interested in her or that he’s not serious about relationships. How does she know this?

There are so many other reasons for why he may be logged on. For example, if he’s good-looking, tall, and makes a good living, he’s probably very popular online. He might be checking the hundreds of emails he gets a day. Statistically, men in their 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s are at a definite advantage in dating. Sorry ladies, but men get a lot more attention. Ever visit a senior living facility and see the women flocking around one “eligible bachelor?” It’s frustrating that we don’t get the same attention, but that’s just the way it is. So, by logging into his online account, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like her. It might just mean he’s popular and is not yet ready to be in a relationship with her.

Another reason he might be logging in is because they just started dating. It would actually be frightening if he took down his profile after one or two dates. Slow and steady is a healthier approach.

You’ve made an assumption about all men wanting to jump in the sack on a first or second date. The problem does not lie with all men being lewd and single-minded. The issue is that you’re dating the wrong men, and you’re not going on enough dates.

I advise you to increase the number of men you’re dating by dating online, and be pickier about who you date. Choose men who have integrity, men who are relationship oriented, and men who respect women. There are plenty of them out there. Trust me.

A good guy will not pressure you for sex. But it is human nature for a man to want to have sex. That’s a positive thing. Would you want a guy who was asexual? I think not.

So, if you’ve been on a few dates and a guy asks you to come back to his place and you’re not ready to sleep with him, let him know by saying something like this:

“John, I am really attracted to you. But I am not ready to have sex with you yet. I don’t sleep with men until we’re exclusive. This is not to pressure you at all. If and when we’re both ready to be exclusive, you’re in for a wild night! Until then, there are plenty of other things we can do…(wink, wink).”

So, Linda, please don’t blame men for wanting to have sex with women too soon. Please don’t draw big conclusions about the character of all men.

Get out there and date more good guys, and let me know how you feel about men wanting to get you in the sack before you’re ready. I think you’ll soon form a more positive conclusion about men and dating.

Wishing you lots of love,

Sandy

For more midlife dating advice and a copy of my FREE report, “The Top Three Mistakes Midlife Daters Make (and how to turn them around to find love now)” please click here.

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All Men Just Want To Sleep With Me On The First Date! was last modified: August 7th, 2013 by Sandy Weiner

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Sandy Weiner

Sandy Weiner is the founder of LastFirstDate.com. She's THE dating coach for women over 40 who want to attract a healthy lasting relationship. Tune in every Tuesday from 2-2:30 Eastern, as Sandy hosts Last First Date Radio http://blogtalkradio.com/lastfirstdate, a show about dating and relationships in midlife.Want to go on your LAST FIRST DATE? Schedule your complimentary 15-minute get acquainted call https://www.timetrade.com/book/VJDY6 to learn how dating coaching can transform your life.

7 Responses

  1. Walker Thornton Reply

    Excellent Advice!!!

    All of the reasons you mention for being online sound true to me too. And, love the topic about assumptions. My friend and I call that MSU-Making Shit Up…it goes to the idea of being clear in communications–ask rather than assume. Talk about what’s going on, ask questions.etc… The premise behind MSU (as taught to me in a relationships course) is that 95% of the time we think it’s about us when it’s more like 5%!

  2. Sandy Weiner Reply

    Thank you for your kind words and wise comment, Walker. I love your MSU acronym! And you’re so right about the importance of open communication in a relationship. The great Kreskin read minds, but the average person needs to communicate his/her needs in a relationship. Assumptions are the death of many relationships, some before they even have a chance. Hey, we’re supposed to be grown ups now. Have the courage to speak your mind, and you’ll be doing less guessing, more knowing. I hope others heed this sage advice!

  3. Carolyn Moore Reply

    Excellent post, Sandy. You made some great points. I think that Linda needs to put herself out there a little more. 20 dates in 8 years isn’t a lot of experience. I agree with you that no ‘good; guy (someone who wants to get to know you and is interested in ‘possibilities’ is going to pressure a woman to have sex, but of course, we all do want it. It’s part of what attracted to that person enough to go on a date, right?

    If I were Linda (and I feel as if I have been months ago) I’d consider my own motives – am I attracting a certain type of man who isn’t interested in engaging in emotional intimacy because I’m not ready for it. Backed up by the fact that there’s been so little dating activity, it might be a worthwhile avenue to investigate. I’m also hearing that the outcome (no follow-up dates) has affected her perceived enjoyment of said dates. What’s the real agenda? Dating should be fun. An exploration. If it becomes a mission to (marry or commit) it’s not serving it’s purpose of self-exploration, getting to know someone, and fun, did I mention fun? Again, great post and thanks for letting me weigh in!

  4. Sandy Weiner Reply

    Hey Carolyn,

    Thanks for your thoughtful comments on this topic. I like your additional tips on how Linda (or someone similar to Linda) might do some self-exploration around dating and relationships. I totally agree that she may be giving off a vibe that’s attracting these types of men. She’s making huge assumptions based on very little experience. And yes, yes, yes on dating being FUN! I can’t tell you how many clients think dating is akin to root canal. Oy! How fun is it to get dressed up, feel sexy, engage in conversation and maybe even a fun activity with a man, and maybe, just maybe, it may turn into more than one date.

  5. Jillian Bice
    Jillian Bice Reply

    Great article, Sandy! And such a good reminder that it’s not such a bad thing if he’s still logging into his online dating account – taking it down after the first or second date would be a bit over the top. I also love your advice to Linda about being up front with expectations about when you feel ready to have sex (“…I don’t sleep with men until we’re exclusive…”). Sex is so wonderful and fun, but it’s got feel right.

    Navigating the dating world can be daunting, but sticking it out and staying true to yourself will pay off in the end!

  6. Chya Reply

    I do like this article, and Sandy’s right – one shouldn’t paint all men the same.

    On the other hand, it’s very very difficult not to, sometimes. In five years I have had one date. Yet, I have men queuing up wanting a quickie or one night stand – most of these are married, and I have never obliged a single one. I have suggested to several that a date might be good, but they always declined, saying that I’m the kind of girl men want to boast about banging, not the kind of girl a man wants to date.

    I don’t even know what that means, but the upshot is, I’m left with the impression that theyre all the same, even though intellectually, I know they’re not.

  7. Ms. G Reply

    Well at our age, it’s a double-edges sword. Unless he has a medical issue, most guys are going to at least try to have sex, even if they know the woman isn’t right for them. It’s the buckshot strategy….aim in the general area and pull the trigger. The wider the spray, the more likely you are to hit something. Of course, on the flipside, if he doesn’t seem interested in sex, it could be that he’s being a gentleman and showing respect or it could mean that the equipment isn’t working anymore, for whatever reason. Whatcha gonna do? May as well just try to have your own fun on your own terms and stop thinking about where things might or might not be going.

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